Surprises
by meggh11
Summary: "...and time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much..." this is not your typical baby story *warning* reader discretion advised
1. Chapter 1

Kate woke up once again this morning. She couldn't sleep. Something like this, on top of what else was happening, wasn't anything she could accept at the moment. Her stomach was bigger than it was the day before, and the day before that to be exact. She couldn't focus on sleeping when she had a watermelon for a bedmate. But, this time it was actually time to wake up. Stretching, she leaned to the side to stand – the only way she could now. The baby would be here in a couple months, but, with her petite frame, it looked like she could go any day now.

* * *

All ready to go to work, she grabbed her keys and reached for the spot where her phone should be but grabbed nothing. Where did she put it this time? Last time it was in the freezer from some sleepwalk adventure that only happened once. She ransacked the front of her apartment because she was already late – late for desk duty, but late nonetheless. Then it clicked. She opened the door that was recently put in which led to the space where her office use to be. Josh had decided that her place would be better to raise the baby for some long reason that she couldn't remember. It didn't really matter anyway. But, they had added more of a wall and a door to this room. She saw the outline of her ringing phone underneath the directions to the crib that hasn't been put up yet. Each time she sat down to figure it out she had been called away – or just didn't feel like doing it. She told herself she could do this on her own, but she's realizing how much she does need an extra set of hands even before the baby is born. The surrounding mess of blue clothes and toys created this cave that had yet to be discovered, or cleaned. It lacked lights, but had the smell of a recent paint job, something that Castle had set up for her. She thought the baby could just use the old furnishings, because it's a baby, but Castle insisted that even babys can feel their surroundings – which is true, she had read that somewhere. She honestly just ran out of time. She reached for her cell, shut off the call from her house phone, and walked out of her apartment.

* * *

When she arrived at the precinct a pile of paperwork awaited her. She now had to send the boys to do the dirty work and she got to fill out the _paper_work from their endeavors. Castle's seat was empty, but her coffee mug was there, which means he was around here somewhere. She usually wasn't this late, but she was getting more and more careless as the days went by. Captain Gates hadn't minded that she was late either, as long as she showed up. Kate was supposed to be on maternity leave by now anyway.

She approached her desk and put her cell and purse down. Her coat sat on the back of her chair. She opened the bag that contained her usual breakfast and thought about what she had to do first. The boys weren't anywhere to be found which meant that they were probably out on a case. It _was_ pretty late in the morning – for them. Her phone buzzed next to her. She was hoping it was Castle letting her know that he would be in. She didn't let him know, but he was the closest thing she had to support during this whole process. And he had been the most supportive person she could ever have asked for – and she didn't even ask. And she was right; it was his text message. He was out with the boys because she was late again and they really needed him to tag along. Something about reading hand written notes and figuring out exactly whom they were from. She didn't know. She would read about it later in the paperwork or when they decided to fill her in. Until then, it was her and a stack of yesterday's proceedings.

* * *

It was time for lunch by the time they got back and Kate was starving. She hoped, and knew, that Castle would be bringing food with him. He didn't even have to ask twice for her to eat whatever he brought back. Sure enough, a few seconds later she looked up and saw the answer to her question, and smelled it.

"How's the little man today?" Castle said eagerly as he approached his usual spot.

"Starving," Kate responded.

She watched as he unloaded the Chinese food from the bag. Usually a dinner option, but now it was definitely for lunch.

"How's the case going?" Kate asked as she began opening each one of her containers.

"Boring, it's really just a 'he said, she said' kind of thing, but we're just waiting for this girl to confess. We know she did it and she knows that, but she's stubborn and we have nothing concrete to go on."

"Where is she now?"

"Sitting at her apartment with the detail outside her house."

"And now we wait,"

"And now we wait." Castle said reassuringly.

He fumbled around with the take out boxes until he found his. The one box that was actually something she did not like.

"Did you finally get that crib set up?" Castle said. Kate had mentioned going home early yesterday to lock herself in that room and just do it already.

"No, I ended up just watching tv instead. Can't go for a walk anymore. All I want to do is sit"

"Kate. If this is how you feel now, what are you going to do next month when you have pieces of crib all over the floor and you're even more tired. And bigger."

Kate shot him a look. She knew he was right, but she was in denial. For now it was just her. She took this child wherever she went and didn't need to hear it cry, or feed it, just herself for a little while longer. She didn't know what she was going to do when it actually arrived. But, she knew that she could handle it because there wasn't another option.

"Did Josh –"

"Castle, I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, fine. Then why don't I come over and help set up the crib today. It's not like I haven't done it before."

"I don't know –"

"Kate, just let me do it. It's settled, okay."

"Fine. I'll be right back."

Kate stood up to use the bathroom, but had to grab onto the desk to push herself up. Really, this baby could not get any bigger. Neither could she. Castle grabbed the back of the chair so it wouldn't fly back and knock her over when it suddenly lost its support against her.

"Thanks," Kate responded.

As she walked to the bathroom she thought about telling Castle what really happened. What happened with Josh, but she didn't want to. It was too recent. And she did a better job at ignoring her emotions than actually facing them. All he needed to know was that it was just her and this baby right now.

* * *

_Just stumbled upon this idea the other day. Let me know what you think! (Sorry if there are any grammar issues. I wrote this pretty fast and proof read it a thousand times, but I always miss something.)_


	2. Chapter 2

"Castle, do you know what you're doing?"

Kate looked at her partner sitting in the middle of millions of tiny pieces of crib.

"Kate, what in the world possessed you to get a crib from Ikea. Really, that boy will be walking before we even find the English side of the directions."

"It wasn't my idea."

And with one sentence the room changed, the level went down. It became slightly awkward, but sad. Castle looked at Kate who had now stood up and walked to the doorway.

"Kate, where are you going?"

"I was just going to get something to drink, do you want anything?" Kate answered with her back turned. Her head was slightly upward. She was trying to hide the fact that for the first time she felt regret. She felt sorry that she was by herself. She wanted this, but not like _this_. She wanted the father of her baby to be setting up the crib, to be complaining while he was putting it together. She fought it; let it subside until she was by herself. She would let herself have that moment, but not now. She walked into her kitchen and grabbed some water.

"You know what, this is ridiculous. Tomorrow, we're going and getting a real crib." Castle shouted from the baby's room.

"Castle, really. This isn't necessary. I have a crib that I bought. We need to finish it." Kate said as she walked back into the room.

"Look, don't worry about the money. We can return this and I can get you a crib, one that you will actually like. Just take it, don't argue. We're going where I got all of Alexis' stuff when she was a baby. It's upscale, but has trust-worthy furniture that doesn't come in one thousand pieces."  
Kate felt the urge to argue; she couldn't let him buy her a crib. But, she was tired and didn't care what he did at the moment. It wasn't going to be put together tonight anyway.

Castle began to box up what he had spread out all over the floor.

"Castle, you can leave that. It's okay –"  
"What, so you can have a toddler running around the house and eating pieces of his old crib, because, by the looks of it, this room isn't getting put together anytime soon." Castle said while cutting her off.

"Thanks, but I'm really tired. I've had a rough couple of weeks. I really just want to go to bed."

"Go ahead, I'll show myself out."

Kate stared at this man on her floor. She thought about it. She walked over and stood over him while he put things back into the box and cleaned up the things that she had lying around. She put a hand on his shoulder and knelt beside him. She smiled and began cleaning.  
"Kate, I've got this, go lay down."  
"Castle, I just got down here, it's going to take me longer to stand up." Kate smiled at him as she was picking up the open package of screws and the little tiny wrench. Moments passed as they both were crawling around the floor.

"Castle, come here" Kate said with newfound energy. She sat up on her knees and pressed a hand to her stomach.

"You want to feel him kick? Here's his foot." She said as she grabbed his hand.

Her hand rested on top of his as she smiled. Kate felt it. Not the kicking – she felt that all the time, but she felt happy. She hadn't in a long time. Resented the fact that she let herself get into this situation. Let him leave the way he did. The way she let him be pushed away and hate having this child in his life. But, now looking at how happy Castle was and smiling at her, she didn't feel alone anymore.

"Looks like you have a soccer player on your hands" Castle smiled as he stood back up.

* * *

The next day Castle convinced Kate to take the afternoon off. Kate didn't want to do paperwork and if she didn't go now, she would never get this done. She grabbed her stuff, they stopped and got lunch, and finished with a trip to the baby store that Castle suggested.

"You're going to love it. It's modern, but not all at the same time. It's nostalgic." Castle said as he opened the front door for her.

"I really just need a place to put a baby. Nothing more."

Kate walked over and looked at the price tag of one of the cribs that caught her attention.

"Castle, I really cannot afford this or accept this."

"You can't and you will" Castle smiled as he walked through the baby store. He seemed so excited to be here, which allowed Kate to lighten up a bit; enjoy this 'happy' moment of her life.

After about an hour they narrowed it down to two cribs. One was chestnut brown with white bedding inside. The bed was lower to the ground, which was good because it meant the railings were higher. It came with a matching bassinet that she could keep the baby in when it was still a newborn. It also had a whole line that Kate could upgrade to, as the baby got older. The other was white with blue bedding. It wasn't as low to the ground, but it was easier to get the baby in and out of. It didn't have anything extra which made it more affordable, but not as realistic. After testing them out a couple more times they decided to go with the brown one because it came with the extra matching furniture. And Castle loved it.

"And then, when the baby gets older you can make this higher so he doesn't climb out and then they have the smaller bed that it can transform into when he becomes a toddler…"

Castle went on and on as he demonstrated what he was talking about. Kate smiled and laughed when appropriate.

"Okay, we can get it" she said.

* * *

When they got the crib, and its matching furniture, home Castle was relieved when he opened the bigger box to already put together sides. All he had to do was put the larger pieces together. Kate decided to make them something to eat as he set it up. He said it shouldn't take long and it was becoming dinnertime anyway. About an hour later, when she was done cooking, she called him in from the room.

"Are you finished?" She asked, trying to hide the sudden curiosity that came upon her.

"Almost, just don't go in there yet."  
"Why?"

"Because I want it to be a surprise."

* * *

They had finished dinner and cleaned up the plates before he went back in.

"Just wait ten minutes. I'll come get you when I'm done."  
Kate rolled her eyes and smiled. She didn't want to show it, but she wanted to know what he was up to. When he opened the box, the crib had already been mostly together. The other boxes were still against the wall.

Twenty minutes turned into an hour. Kate must have fallen asleep on the couch because Castle had to wake her.

"Okay, you can come in."

"What happened to twenty minutes?"

"Did I say twenty, I meant 120 minutes."  
"What were you doing in there for two –"  
Kate saw it when she walked in. He had set up the crib in the center of the back wall. The bassinet was next to it on an angle. He moved the toys over to the side of the wall and cleared the floor. You could now see the white rug underneath, covering part of the wood floor. He must have snuck out and grabbed the standing lamp from the corner of the other room because it was now in the corner giving this room a hue of yellow. The walls, which were painted a light blue-gray, were illuminated. He had put a few stuffed animals inside the crib where the white bedding was set up.

"Do you like it?"

"Castle I – It's amazing, thank you so much." Kate said with a smile.

"You're welcome. You're going to have to take out the bedding and wash it, but I wanted it to be complete when you saw it. I was thinking you could get a chair or something for this corner and some letters that spelled out his name – when you figure out a name – and some other decorations – "

Castle went off again. He was so excited to be planning this room. With Alexis growing up and moving out, Kate could understand why.

Before Castle left he made sure that everything he moved was back and the trash cleaned up, besides the things that he had taken into the nursery. Kate wanted them to stay there.

"Castle, can I ask you a question?" Kate said as they were walking to the sofa. Castle was planning on leaving, but he followed her.

"Yea, what's up?"

Kate sat on the couch allowing for Castle to follow her actions. She leaned her elbow on the back of the sofa.

"Why are you doing this?" She looked at him with gratitude to make sure that he didn't take it the wrong way.  
"Because I want to."

"Not because you feel bad for me."

"Kate, I would never do it because I felt bad for you. Yes, I think that there is something going on that you will eventually tell me, but on your own terms. Right now, I am whatever you need me to be. If all that requires is setting up a crib, then that's fine. Or if you need me to come over and help with the baby, then I'm there. We're partners."

Kate smiled as she rubbed the spot on her stomach where the baby was pushing against. She really wanted Josh to be here, but she didn't want to see his face – all at the same time. She wanted the support that he was supposed to bring, but never wanted to see that man again. This child was hers, not his.

"He left me, Castle"

"What?"

"He left. He packed up his things – obviously – and is never coming back."

"Kate, what do you mean? I thought things were rough, but he's not coming back, ever? Not even to see his son?"

"I'll tell you the whole story later, but the short answer? No, he's never coming back. He left and he's staying where he is."

Castle could see the anger behind her eyes. She was hurt. Josh had hurt her and he never saw that coming. She stood up, signaling him to do the same. He came over and gave her a hug. Wrapped his arms around her growing torso. She was smaller because she wasn't wearing heels anymore. Kate refused, but then fell into his arms and let the silent tears come. She was stressed and he knew it.

"Kate, I'm here. I know I can be a pain in the ass, but I am here for whatever you need. I said it before and I'm sticking to it." Castle said as he rubbed her back. He moved them back to the couch and let her lean against him. Before he knew it, she was asleep, completely gone from this world and into another. Castle carefully moved out from underneath her head and replaced himself with a pillow. He grabbed a blanket and covered her, turned out the lights around him, except for one in the kitchen, and shut the door to the nursery. He grabbed his things and slowly shut the door to her apartment, making sure it was locked, before he left her for the evening.

* * *

_Tell me how I'm doing. I'm not too confident about it, but I know that I want to continue. Advice/criticism is always welcome! _


	3. Chapter 3

Kate's phone rang from across the room once again. She knew she had to answer it, but it was just so much easier to sink further into the couch and drift away. She pretended not to hear it three times before because she was "asleep" but right now she was very much awake. She rolled off the sofa and walked across the room to retrieve the ringing device.

"Beckett"

"Good morning – "

"Hey, Castle. What's up?"

"Okay, I know that Gates put you on a forced maternity leave about a month ago, but that doesn't mean that you have to stay in the house. Every day."

"I have no where to go."

"Well, today you do. Get up. It's eleven so you should be up already if I remember you correctly."

"Yea, I'm up."

"Great, I'll be there in twenty."

Kate put her phone down on her kitchen island. She had gotten up this morning to eat breakfast, but once she sat down on the couch she fell back asleep. And she didn't regret it; it wasn't like she had anywhere to be for the first time in her life. She walked over to her room and tried to find something that would fit comfortably, which wasn't much. After tearing apart her closet for ten minutes, and finding an outfit, she heard a knock at the door.

"Hey, you ready?"

"You're early."

"You're ready."

Kate grabbed her stuff and walked out the front door with her partner.

"Castle, where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

"Okay, well does this surprise involve a lot of walking, because I know that I'm suppose to walk, but being almost nine months pregnant makes that a _little _tiring." Kate said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"I promise, after you walk from here to the car, and then a little more, and after that there will be no – okay, _limited_ walking."

Kate followed Castle into a car that she had only seen once or twice before; he usually took public transportation to get around – or this town car. She watched as it took them away from her apartment and into society. This permanent depressive state she was in was making it a little difficult to enjoy it, _him_, but she was trying. The car pulled up to a movie theater that she had never seen before. It was old, and not many people were here, but the marquis said that it was playing _Classic Films_.

"What's playing?"

"It's a surprise, we don't know until we sit down. I bring Alexis here all the time. Tickets are five dollars and it never let us down before."

Kate followed him as he bought them their snacks. She went to the bathroom so, with a hope and a prayer, she wouldn't have to go until the end. They sat down in a small theater where only three other people were. Given that it was around noon on a Wednesday she didn't think that there would be tons of people anyway. The lights dimmed around the red velvet curtains on the wall and a black and white screen appeared. Kate quickly recognized the movie from the opening credits and the upbeat orchestrations.

"Oh, this is a good one." Castle leaned over and whispered to her.

"Yea, I've seen this about a thousand times. I absolutely love it" Kate whispered back.

"Why, Kate Beckett, a sappy romantic."

"Who knew" Kate answered with a smile.

_Paramount News brings you a special coverage of Princess Anne's visit to London. _

Kate shifted in her seat, tried to get comfortable because she truly did want to enjoy this movie. But, the seats were small and she was not.

"Here – " Castle said as he lifted the arm of the seat.

Kate smiled, brought her feet up and leaned into his side.

"Best invention ever was to make those things move" Castle whispered as he put his arm around her.

* * *

The movie ended as Kate sat up.

"I love that ending, not knowing what happens. Never truly getting that sense of completion in their relationship. It's almost better than having them get together." Castle said as he brushed popcorn off his lap.

Kate followed as they left the theater and back to the car.

"Okay, what now."

"Kate, I am not going to ruin everything today because you want to know. Now get into the car."

They drove further away from the city and stopped at a building. There was nothing special about this particular building, which made Kate's curiosity rise.

"What are we doing here?"

"Would you hold on."

They got out of the car and walked into the building. They stopped in front of the elevator as Castle waved to the man at the front desk. Kate saw this and noticed that this was all preplanned. She wondered what he could possibly have up here. They got in and Castle pressed the top floor.

"Where are we going?"

That's when Kate got a look. Normally she was the one giving him the look and this time she just smiled back at him just like he does to her. They reached the top floor and the doors opened. It was a single door about five feet away from the small room at the top. Castle got out, grabbed her hand and motioned her out the door. It lead to the roof of the building, which appeared to be an abandoned restaurant. There were chairs that were old and pushed up against the side of the wall and tables that were previously used. But, in the center of the organized mess, was a table with a tablecloth. On top were two covered plates and table settings. Castle walked down the stairs and brought her to one side of the table.

"Sit." He said with a smile.

He walked over and poured them two glasses of water and sat down across from her.

"Castle, what is this."

"This? This is lunch."

Kate looked over the edge, which was close enough to see from her seat. She could see the view of the city; a view that was far enough from the actual city to enjoy. It was quiet, no car horns or sirens – they were off in the distance, but she could see the beautiful energy that the city created.

"Thanks, Castle."

And that's all she said for a while.

* * *

When they were finished lunch, Castle stood up and cleared the plates. He put everything back on the cart near the stairs and signaled for the man that had just come out of the elevator that they were done.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"Honestly, I want to sit here and enjoy this for a little longer." Kate answered with a faint smile.

Castle could see that she was finally completely relaxed. She looked happy, happier than she was when they put the room together, or later that week when he took her on a 'clothing extravaganza' – as he called it. He sat down across from her and looked at her face. The sun was beginning to lower into the building across from them. It was almost 4:30. Her hair sprawled across her face as the wind blew. She was perfect. Kate was looking across at the view allowing him to see the left side of her face. She wasn't at this table anymore; she was in her own world having her own thoughts. He deiced to join her and disappear for a few seconds as well – until Kate brought him back to their setting.

"When we were out to dinner one night I got called into work. I was only probably four months pregnant at the time, nothing to really worry about. I was barley showing and I was watching out for myself. Only Gates and Josh knew at the time. I got called in to the case where a mother was shot and that freaked him out. He forbade me to go into work that night. He got defensive, demanded that we go home. I fought him and said that I couldn't just blow off my job. I had a responsibility that I signed on for. He hailed a cab and forced me in – he didn't push me in, but he didn't let me get in by myself either. He said that that was his child and I was his girlfriend and that he was taking me home. I was shocked. We sat in the car in silence until we got back to my place where he was staying. We got up to my apartment and he went on and on about how I needed to quit and stay at home with our baby. He could work and I would be safe here. I knew where he was coming from, but this wasn't a path that I wanted to take. I told him that nothing would make me quit, that tons of people are working parents. I went through all the procedures for working moms and pregnant cops. How they sit us out, but he wasn't having any of it. It threw me off because he was never like this. He was so gentle and caring. I thought this baby was going to be rough, but perfect. We were going to be together. I allowed myself to really connect to him for the first time."

Castle watched as she poured her heart out to him. Single, silent tears spilled from her eyes that would not face his.

"The conversation ended because I couldn't deal with it anymore, but the topic continued to hang over my head every single day I left him to go to work. Finally, we had an even bigger argument. He wasn't violent; he never got violent. The only hint of it was when he moved me into the car. But I told him that if he couldn't accept who I was then he couldn't be with me. He took that further and then I took it even further and we ended it by breaking up. He left that day and the last thing I said was that if he leaves he wouldn't see his child. I didn't mean it. That's not who I am, but he looked back at me and he was serious about what he said next. He said that if I couldn't listen to him then he didn't want his child. And he didn't want me. As far as I was concerned this baby didn't have a father."

Kate finally turned back to Castle who had grabbed her hand. He had a new look in his eyes. She never truly saw him like this. The pain in his eyes showed that he was just as equally hurt as she was. The overbearing weight inside of her chest was now shared across the table. Tears came out faster now because of how relieving it was to finally tell someone and share this moment in her life that changed everything.

"It took me a while, actually it took me until this moment, today, to accept that it's okay. I'm okay. _We're_ okay." Kate said as she looked at her belly.

Castle didn't answer. He just got up and brought his chair next to hers. He sat down and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her until they were all okay.

* * *

_Okay, I know that was a little heavy. So here's the info for the movie they were watching - a personal favorite of mine_:

_Roman Holiday_. Dir. William Wyler. Perf. Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. Paramount Home Video, 1953. DVD.

_Also, sorry that it keeps sending out two emails to notify for a chapter. It does for me. _

_It took me a while to figure out what direction to take this story so feedback is still welcomed!_


	4. Chapter 4

That loud and obnoxious ringing interrupted the silent sleep that filled Kate's room. The light from the phone flashed on the ceiling above and vibrated the nightstand.

"Castle we really need to stop doing this." Kate said groggily. Her room was dark except for the black curtains that were illuminated with sunlight.

"Why are you still sleeping?"

"What do you mean"

"Do you know what today is?"

"Tuesday. It's Tuesday and I am tired."

"Kate…you are officially nine months pregnant today."

Kate took a moment and thought about it. He was right. Today she was nine months pregnant. Her due date was tomorrow, but she had always been one day ahead of what the doctor said. Little detail that she had come up with when she did the math.

"You're right. I'm carrying a full term infant in my stomach. Thanks for reminding me at eight in the morning."

"Well we need to celebrate!"

"How, Castle. There isn't really a 'nine months pregnant' type of party."

* * *

A few hours later, Kate discovered that she was wrong. Castle knew how to throw that exact type of party. Party for two. When he walked through the door he had two full brown bags with him. One was placed by the television, the other in the kitchen. He motioned for Kate to sit down on the couch. He had this under control. He went to the dvd player that was near the tv and knelt down with his bag. As he pulled out the dvds, Kate realized that he had brought over every movie that involved giving birth and children.

"I've got _She's Having a Baby, Nine Months, Baby Mama, Due Date, Parenthood…_"

"That's quite a range you have going there."

"Well, I didn't know which one was your favorite."

"I didn't really have a favorite . . . what else is in your bag?"

"_Father of the Bride: Part II. _The one where they have the babies."

Kate chose that movie and watched as Castle put it in the dvd player. But, when it began, he pressed pause. He stood up, pleased with himself.

"Now what?"

"What's a party without food?" Castle said with a smile.

He proceeded to get the bag he left in the kitchen. Inside were tons of 'baby' foods. He had baby carrots, mini doughnuts, teddy grahams…

Kate watched as he pulled out little foods. He had also brought along mini sandwiches. He explained to her that they would actually need some type of meal. When he got everything situated, he sat down next to Kate and pressed play.

* * *

They reached the delivery scene. Kate sat and watched closely because it was from the viewpoint of the father. He was pacing in the hallway, worried about his wife and daughter, and his other daughter. She would be by herself. There would be no one pacing and impatiently waiting for the baby to come. But these past few months Castle has helped her put together a nursery, get baby clothes, buy and put together a car seat. He did everything with her. She wasn't alone.

"Castle, I want you to be in there with me."

"What?"

"I get one person to be in the delivery room. I wasn't going to have anyone, do it by myself, but I want you to be there. You've been my partner through everything. I want you're help. I want you to hold my hand."

"Kate, but Lanie –"

"Castle, I need you." Kate looked at him with desperation.

Turning to look at the woman next to him, Castle thought about this. It wasn't his place, but there wasn't anywhere else he would rather be. Kate watched as his eyes never left hers. He was thinking this decision, but Kate knew he would say yes – hoped he would say yes.

"Kate, I would be honored."

* * *

When the movie marathon was coming to a close Castle moved from the space he had carved out in the corner of the sofa to see Kate asleep. He didn't know when she had finally called it quits, but it looks like it was a while ago. He stood up and put a blanket over her, like always, and began to clean up the mess he had created. He picked up the mini food explosion that was now all over the ground. He walked them over to her sink, but stopped a moment when he heard a groan over near the couch.

"It sounds like someone is waking up from their movie-induced coma. _Ka_te?" Castle said as an exaggerated question.

He continued his walk to the sink only to hear her groan become louder. He turned his head to see her still lying down but her elbow was in the air because she was grabbing her stomach.

"Kate . . ." Castle said as he walked a little closer to her.

Kate had sat up now causing Castle's adrenaline to push a little further.

"Kate. What's wrong?" he said trying to hide the subtle panic in his voice.

"Nothing, I think it's –" Kate's sentence was cut off by another moan and a hand to her stomach.

"Think it's what?"

"Maybe something just didn't agree with – "

Another pain shot down Kate's stomach. Her heart began to race.

"Kate, I think we should take you to the hospital."

"Don't overreact, I'm fi –" she was interrupted by a searing pain down her stomach.

"Kate, let's go." Castle said in a hurry.

He ran around, looking for his keys, his phone while Kate tried to stand up off of the couch. She wasn't fighting him, she was agreeing. She made it around the coffee table and was headed for the door, slowly. The pains were coming more often than before. She walked a little bit and then had to grab her side. Castle turned around to see her stopped in her tracks. He came up next to her quickly and put her arm over hers. He motioned them out the door, down the elevator and through to the street.

He didn't think past this moment. He got her downstairs and out of the building, but now what. How were they going to get there. Castle looked both ways for no reason. His panic mode had set in and he was trying to figure out a plan.

Kate was having a break between pains. She let go of his arm and stood there for a moment, hand on her hips. Between breaths she asked him if he wanted to take a taxi.

"Do you think you can get there in a taxi? Will it be quick enough?"

"It's going to have to be."

Castle went and tried to hail a taxi, and when that didn't work, he walked down the street a little. He wasn't going to wait wait any longer so he walked into the street and tried his hardest. He waved his hands around until finally the yellow car pulled over. Castle told the driver to take them to the hospital as quick as he could, he would pay for whatever traffic violations came his way. No questions asked.

Flying through the rush hour traffic, the taxi finally pulled up to the emergency room of the hospital. Castle ran to the other side of the car and helped Kate stand. She took his hand but brushed his other arm off of her back.

"Castle, I think I can make it to the door" Kate said with a smile. She honestly thought all of this back and forth was cute. He was running around like a mad man. He had been through this before, but he wasn't acting like it. She liked it.

* * *

After they had gotten settled in their hospital room, Kate's contractions started getting easier to deal with. Something she thought was odd. Weren't they supposed to be getting worse?

Several hours and a few doctor visits later, they discovered that it was false labor. Something that's common and they didn't have to worry about. All that Kate heard and understood was that she was still very pregnant. And that wasn't changing. The doctor said that she should contact her regular ob-gyn and make sure everything is set for the delivery and what to do if she is going to deliver late. But, the doctor finished by saying that any day now could be the day. She should prepare herself for everything that she is going to need so it will not be as rushed as it was today. Kate thought about what had just happened before. She didn't think to pack a bag. She didn't go to Lamaze classes, she didn't think about any of this. Without Castle to help her prepare the rest of the baby stuff, she would probably still be where she was with the crib months ago. The doctor left and, not too much later, Kate was discharged. On their way back to the apartment, Kate began to panic. She put her hand on her head and began to overthink everything.

"Castle, I don't have anything ready!" Kate said in a calm, but frenzied tone.

"This baby is coming, soon and I have nothing ready. I'm not ready to have a baby. I'm by myself. I have to go back to work sometime. And what about the actual delivery. I didn't think about that. I mean this is something that I should have thought about. What am I going to do with a baby? I don't have any experience with children…"

Castle sat next to Kate as she finally vented. All he could do was smile. He had been this panicked earlier in the day and she was fine.

"Why are you smiling . . . "

"Because I was waiting for you to freak out. This isn't another case that can be wrapped up tightly at the end of the day. When you're done, you're going to have a child. You won't just be Kate Beckett the detective, you will be Kate Beckett the mom."

* * *

Back in Kate's apartment, Castle made her sit down and rest. They both had an eventful afternoon. And Castle really wanted to lie down. Sitting on the couch with his feet up was all he wanted to do for the rest of the day.

"Castle, you don't have to stay here with me. I'll be okay."

"Really, after everything that happened today you expect me to leave? I'm staying right here Kate Beckett." Castle said as he crossed his arms and closed his eyes.

Kate smiled, but she felt bad. He had a family. A biological family that needed him.

"What about Alexis?"

"I sent her a text earlier right before we left the hospital. My mother will be home tonight. And she is old enough to stay home by herself . . . Alexis, not my mother." Castle said with a look on his face. "I'm going to be _here_ until that little boy is here with me."


	5. Chapter 5

_From some recent reviews - here and elsewhere - here is my warning. My stories tend to have cliffhangers, plot twists, etc. Sorry if you were caught off guard. Keep a packet of tissues with you for both happy and sad moments. Also, this chapter was deleted and re-uploaded. Sorry, same content, just technical issues. _

* * *

"Castle!"

"I'm right here. It's okay." Castle said as he brushed the damp hair away from her forehead. "Just squeeze my hand. Come on, Kate"

Kate took his hand and pushed as hard as she could. Her face was red and damp. She had been pushing for what seemed like hours now. Her heart was racing, but her body was giving up.

"You're doing great. A little more."

The nurses continued to coach her through this. Her doctor sat by her legs trying to get the baby to move a little faster. Kate's labor had come so fast that they barely made it to the hospital, but then it slowed. It was hours of time standing still and pain that made her cry. The doctors were rushing around trying to get it to continue. They gave Kate a drug that made the labor proceed, but they said it was too late for the epidural. She was doing this without the medication.

"Kate, we're almost there. Come on. "

"I'm so tired. I can't – I can't, Castle, I can't"

"You can," he said as he wiped her forehead again, "I know you can."

"Castle, I feel tired." Kate said as her breath started to become heavy. She was breathing faster now. She felt like she needed to sleep. Her body was forcing her to stop.

Castle watched has she let go of his hand and laid her head back onto the raised bed. Her brown hair spread across his arm.

"Kate, sit back up. Come on, you can do this." Castle said as he tried to pick her up. He sat behind her to help her, but her head stayed back. He pushed on her back trying to get her to sit up, but her body was limp.

"Kate. Kate, come on." Castle said trying to shake her a little. The monitor next to him started to beep. Nurses rushed over him connecting little wires and moving machines. Her heart monitor started to decrease, as well as the baby's. Castle looked around at the chaos and back to the woman he was holding in his arms.

"Kate!" he shouted. "Kate, wake up. Kate!" Castle repeated her name over and over. A nurse pulled him away. She was talking to him and moving him, but he fought her. He needed to be here. He needed to stay. He grabbed Kate's arm. She was there. She needed to be. But, doctors were pulling him away before he could help her.

"No! I need to be here. She asked me to be here. I can't leave her!"

"We need to help her, Mr. Castle, you need to leave the room."

Castle was pushed out into the hallway while multiple doctors rushed into Kate's hospital room. He was left confused and worried. The door to her room was left open. People were running around.

"I need a crash cart!" A doctor shouted.

Another nurse was asking her co-worker to get an emergency surgery room set up. They would be down there in seconds. Castle rubbed his head. He was scared. He had no idea what was going on. He paced, waited, looked in the door. The next three minutes seemed like days. Words like "clear" and "again" faded in and out of his thoughts. Kate was dying.

When they got her heart going again they wheeled her out of the delivery room. Fast. Castle ran after, grabbing onto the side of the bed. Kate was still unconscious, but she was breathing.

"Kate. Kate?" Castle said as he walked quickly along the side of the bed. When they reached the silver double doors, Castle was pushed back. He didn't fight this time. He looked through the window until the group of doctors with the bed between them disappeared around the corner.

* * *

Hours passed. He sat in the waiting room. Then got up and walked around. He was offered coffee, but he declined. He felt sick. He paced down the hallway. Watched as doctors ran here and there. Watched as others got their news, bad and good. He was worried. He could not lose this woman. He loved her, he just hasn't told her yet. He didn't want to scare her away and when she became pregnant, he backed off. He was there as a friend. Her life was not his life anymore. It never was, as much as he wanted it to be. But, when Josh left, she needed someone. And now he needs her. He needs her to pull through and survive whatever the hell was going on inside that limp body.

* * *

Castle made his way back to the waiting room. People had left now. It was just another woman with her daughter sitting on the other side in matching chairs. He put his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face. He was exhausted. Tired. But he needed to stay awake.

A doctor walked in and looked around the room. When he spotted Castle he walked over and sat down next to him.

"Are you the father?" he asked.

"No."

"Does the baby have a father?"

"No."

"Does Ms. Beckett have anyone related to her that we can talk to?"

Shit. _Her_ father. With all of this commotion, Castle never called Kate's father.

"Her father lives upstate. I forgot to call him." Castle said with fatigue and regret.

"Can you get a hold of him? We need to talk to someone of next of kin."

"Next of kin. Wh-What happened? Is Kate all right? Where is she? I need to see her." Castle went off as he stood up. He didn't stop talking as the doctor motioned him back into the waiting room.

"She's alive, but we really need to talk to someone who is related to her."

"I am her partner. I'm her friend. I need to know."

"Partner…" The doctor searched for more.

"She's a detective, I'm a civilian assistant. You need to tell me."

"Call her father. Then I will tell you."

Castle called Kate's father as the doctor waited next to him. He put him on the phone with the doctor and said that his daughter was alive but they needed him down at the hospital.

* * *

Castle felt like it was years later by the time that Jim Beckett arrived at the waiting room.

"Hey Rick."

"Hey. The doctor should be back. He said he would be here in an hour about an hour ago."

"What happened?" Jim was worried. You could see it on his face, but there was a calm composure to him. He was the complete opposite of Castle.

"She was pushing and she went unconscious. I tried to get her back up but she went. I – I don't know. I was there. She needed me –"  
"You didn't do this, Rick. It's okay." Jim said as he put his hand on top of his. "Katie's alive. She's okay."

The doctor walked in and introduced himself. He shook Jim's hand and sat down across from them. A few seconds later a woman walked in and sat next to the doctor. She introduced herself as an intensive care nurse.

"Kate has had a amniotic fluid embolism. It's a rare condition that some woman get while they are pregnant. It can happen during their pregnancy or during a difficult delivery. The amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby in the womb entered Kate's bloodstream and traveled to her lungs. She went into cardiac arrest. We were able to revive her and get her to surgery. This condition causes immediate distress on the baby. We did an emergency C-section, however –" the doctor looked over to the intensive care nurse who was on alert – "the baby did not survive the procedure."

Castle's world turned upside down. _The baby did not survive the procedure. _ Kate's baby. Tears filled his eyes. He looked to Jim Beckett who had just learned that his first grandchild was dead. He was in shock. He looked at the doctor and did not break his gaze.

"What do you mean the baby did not survive the procedure? You did an emergency C-section!" Jim said with raised aggression, but not loudly.

"We tried. Usually the mother and the child do not survive. The first step is to get the mother resuscitated, which is what we did, and then move on to the child. With everything that was being done to save Kate's life the distress on the child was too much. The child died inside his mother. When we got to him he was already gone."

Castle could not contain himself. Tears steamed down his face. He stood up and left the room.

"Rick!" Jim called after, but the doctor said to let him go. Let him walk it off. The nurse followed Castle.

* * *

Castle walked outside into the rain. It was too hot in that waiting room. He paced in circles, ran his hand through his wet hair. This could not be happening. He fell in love with this child. He wanted to be there for him. And now he's gone. The nurse followed behind him with an umbrella over top of her. She was too calm. She goes through this everyday and he can't take any second of it.

"Mr. Castle, if you want to talk we can go inside."  
"No, I don't want to talk."

"It's not your fault. This condition is rare and it is heart wrenching, but the thing that you need to focus on right now is that Ms. Beckett is alive. And she is going to wake up soon. You seem to care for her a lot, so I think you would like to be there when she wakes up. We can arrange that for you."  
Castle thought about it. He stared off into the street before him. The rain pouring down his face, the thunder off in the distance. He needed to be there when she woke up. There was nothing else that was going to stand in his way.

"Okay."

* * *

Kate eyes opened, groggily. The doctors warned Castle that her condition might force her to forget everything that happened. She might have short-term memory loss on top of many other things. She was going to be watched very closely. Many mothers never make it this far. She might not even remember going into labor. The doctor knew when she should wake up – give or take – so he was near by just in case. Castle insisted that he wanted to know everything and that he wanted to tell her himself. Jim decided that it would be best and he would wait in the waiting room. Castle thanked him, because he knew how hard this was. If Alexis were in that room he would be doing the same thing he was doing now. Nothing would stop him from seeing her.

Kate's eyes blinked a few times before they focused on the walls around her. She was confused; this was not her apartment. She looked over and saw Castle's face and smiled, a smile that pained Castle to see.

"Castle –" Kate said as she registered where she was.

"You're in the hospital"

"Why, what happened." Kate felt her stomach and winced when she reached her lower abdomen.

"You went into labor."

"What, no I didn't." Kate was scared because she no longer felt the moving child inside of her. Her eyes turned to panic, but then confusion.

"Where is he? Why do you look like that?"

Castle sat up and grabbed her hand. He needed to get this out. His heart physically hurt him and he felt like he was going to get sick.

"Something happened," his eyes became teary, "and you went unconscious. You stopped breathing. They needed to revive you."

Kate listened to the story that happened to her just hours before, but she could not remember. All this had happened but she felt like she had just woken up from the night before. Her child was no longer inside of her. She had gone through the entire labor process and all she could remember was falling asleep on the couch next to Castle the night before. They were talking about what she was going to name him.

"Kate, you went into cardiac arrest which meant they had to get your heart beating again. The whole thing was just too much for him." Castles eyes filled with tears, which streamed down his face. Kate began to panic. She sat up. Her crying was uncontrollable. She had the sudden need to hold her child. Her heart ached. Her stomach flipped inside of her. The sudden weight that overcame her was crushing her alive. Where was he?

"What happened? What do you mean it was too much? Where is he! I need my son, Rick. Where is he?" Kate yelled as she tried to get out of the bed. Nurses came in to hold her down. She was getting multiple blood transfusions throughout the night and she couldn't get out of bed. Castle sat in the chair and cried.

"He didn't make it, Kate."

* * *

_I'm sorry that updates are taking forever. My classes are starting and I've been a little busy. Let me know what you think (both good and bad). Let me know, aside from immediate emotion, if this is something you like. _

_All of the medical information came from the sources below:_

"Types of Labor and Delivery Complications." _WebMD_. WebMD, n.d. Web. 27 Aug. 2012. baby/understanding-labor-delivery-complications-basics?page=3.

"FAQs." _â__¹ AFE Support_. N.p., n.d. Web. 27 Aug. 2012. /afe-faqs/.


	6. Chapter 6

_Before I continue - grab your tissues. The story will continue. I know where it needs to go now. It will not stay this emotional (sad) forever. Let me know what you think either here or on my tumblr (link on my page). It's only my second attempt at writing and I'd like to know how I am doing. _

* * *

She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to walk. She didn't want to be alive. She wanted to be alone, but Castle never left her side. He was next to her while she cried, while they both cried. He held her as her tears diminished and turned to exhaustion. He would only leave the room when she was sleeping. When she was awake, he was there. Yesterday was a blur. Her world crashed around her and she didn't remember half of it. She would need to remain in the hospital while they watched her. She would be in this hell for the next two or three weeks.

* * *

Castle helped her into the wheel chair that was next to her bed. It was the first time that she was going to leave her room. The doctors unhooked her from her wires and cords. She had a bandage around her lower stomach where the stiches were, but they let her change into her clothes. Castle brought her sweatpants from home and one of his t-shirts so the bandage wouldn't tug. Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun. She wasn't planning on showering anytime soon. And if she did, she wouldn't be doing her hair. He grabbed her arm and lowered her into the seat. Her feet fell into place on the supporters. She was weak, in more ways than one. Her body let the chair take over. Castle saw her slowly fall into the chair like she had given up.

They exited the hospital room without saying a word. The pale blue exterior of the hallway haunted her. The walls looked somber. Her world was empty. They turned down a hallway, past the NICU, down another hallway.

Castle went slowly. He didn't want to face what they were about to do. But Kate insisted that she wanted to go and he was going to be there for her, every step of the way. He pulled into a large room that was previously used for surgeries. They allowed them to use it as long as they'd like. No one needed anything in this one, no one besides Kate. Castle parked her wheel chair in front of the giant unplugged incubator that sat in front of them. It was not at eye level. Kate would have to pull herself up to see inside. Castle couldn't look. He wanted to, but he kept his eyes on the back of Kate's head. He couldn't see her face, but he knew how it looked and he felt the same way.

"Okay," Kate said, quietly, "I'm ready."

Castle put a hand under her arm and supported her as she stood up to see her son.

He was beautiful. He had a full head of hair. Dark brown, and perfect. A smile crept upon her face; she couldn't help it. He was perfect. He looked like he was sleeping, wrapped warmly in a blanket. A tear escaped from her eye and acted as a catalyst for the rest to follow. She couldn't control it. Her eyes flooded with the emotions that she was feeling. She reached in and cupped his tiny head in her hand. Rubbed his hair for the first and last time.

Castle came around and put his arms on Kate's shoulders. She was the strongest woman he knew to be able to do this. She begged him to take her to see him, her son. She wanted to see what he looked like. Put a face to the love that she felt. Castle's arms rested on her sides as she looked down. He knew that she could only handle this for a little while longer.

Her crying turned to sobs. She was breaking down. She couldn't let herself leave this boy behind. Her little boy. She put her arms around the incubator case. That was it. She couldn't take it. How could this happen to her. To _him. _To them. They were perfect. This was her perfect little boy. Kate lifted the top of the incubator, let the lid fall back. His tiny body was alone in this room, in this cage. She took her child into her arms and cried. She held him close to her chest. Castle moved around to the front of her. He watched her take it all in. Her tears were staining the blanket around her child. She needed this. It might be too much for some, but this is exactly what Kate needed to begin to heal. But, it was becoming too much. He let her hold her child, but when he knew she was done, he had to do it. He knew her, and knew how much she could handle.

"Kate," he said between his tears, "It's time."

"No, no. Please, no! Castle, no. I can't – I can't let him go. He needs me."

Castle took the bundle out of her arms, stole it from her grip. He put it back onto the incubator's bed and closed the top. He did it as fast as he could, but gently, because he knew he had to turn around and catch her. Kate collapsed in front of him. He lowered to the ground and cried with her. She sobbed into his arms on the floor of the room. Her eyes were closed into his wet shirt. She was waiting for him to remove her. Remove her from this environment that she could no longer handle. She couldn't do it herself. If it were up to her she would sit in this room until she was finally with her child. He put his arm around her and his other under her legs and carried her out of the room. He left the wheelchair. He ignored the stares from the people in the hallway. He didn't let the nurses take her from him. He let her stay in his arms. When they got back to the room he put her on her bed, turned off the light, and laid down next to her. After a while the sobbing stopped, and then so did the crying. She gave into her exhaustion and fell asleep for the first time.

* * *

_2 months later. _

Castle hadn't moved in _technically_. He was still living at his house. Living was a loose term, however. He spent every night since the hospital at Kate's apartment. He got them dinner every night. Lunch, when Kate would eat it. She stayed in bed the majority of the time. He got her to go to the grocery store with him twice. He got her to go get her hair done. She smiled once. He briefed the hair stylist before she came and Kate never knew. He was having a hard time getting over this, so that meant she was struggling, hurting, even more. Yesterday he rented a movie for them, something miniscule. He didn't really care, but he got her to watch it. She laughed once. It was a step. Progress. And that's all he cared about. It's a Saturday today. He wants her to get out of the house again. Maybe they will go to a park, something other than this apartment. The baby's room was no longer a nursery. When she was sleeping he got rid of the crib, the dresser. He didn't sell it. Instead he put it into his storage unit, just in case. He didn't know what to do with the room. All he knew was that he was the only one to go in it. He got up this morning before Kate, something that was now a usual thing. She never wanted to get out of bed. Castle was getting worried. She was seeing a therapist once a week, but it wasn't going anywhere. It was eleven and he was cooking brunch. The door to Kate's room opened. She emerged from her dark bedroom and leaned against the counter.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Making brunch, do you want any?"

"Not really, I think I'm just going to grab a shower and lay back down. I'm tired."

He knew that she had slept enough.

"Hey Kate?" He asked as she began walking away.

"Yeah"

"I have to go to the park today. Do you want to come?"

"You _have _to go to the park?"

"Okay, I don't have to, but I am going. Can you come with me? I don't want to walk there alone. These moms, they are all over me. What can I say, I'm a catch." Castle said with sarcasm. A smile crept on the side of Kate's face. This little improvement made Castle fill with satisfaction. He was getting somewhere.

"Yeah, I'll come. Let me take a shower."

* * *

The sun was high in the sky. It was spring and the air was breezy. Most would consider it a beautiful day. Kate put on jeans, a stray from the usual sweats. Her hair was pulled back, but she did something to it. She put some time into her appearance. Her ponytail was curled at the end and strayed over her shoulder. She had an old sweatshirt on and sneakers. She was improving, slowly, and that's all he could ask for. They decided to go all out and venture to Central Park. Change of scenery from the parks and stores near her apartment.

They walked for hours. It was perfect. When Kate's mood was slipping, Castle put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. The comfort seemed to help because she never cried. Even when they passed a mother with a stroller. She looked at the baby, but nothing happened. Improvement. It was two in the afternoon so everyone was at the park. Some people were having picnics; some were having a game of catch. Kids were playing on the giant rocks. There were people on boats in the lake. Castle had brought a baseball in the bag of things he brought, hoping to get her to play catch. They reached a clear spot on the grass and sat down.

"Okay," Castle said grabbing his bag. "I have snacks, water, a baseball, checkers…you're choice."

"We can't just sit here?" Kate said, her eyes pleading with him. She felt guilty. They saved her before they saved her son. She would have gratefully died. She would have preferred it. Her son would have a life. She didn't tell Castle, but she made a will and custody agreement when Josh left; when she knew that is was going to be just her and the baby. She was going to tell Castle when she had the baby. She was going to say that if anything happened to her he was going to be his guardian. And he would have accepted. She knew it and he would have raised that baby. Her son would have a life. She couldn't be playing _baseball_ or _checkers_ while her son wasn't breathing.

"Here's what we can do. If we play baseball for five minutes – just catching – nothing more, than we can come back and sit here. Just enjoy the fresh air. Deal?" Castle said. He looked at her like she was a child. And she didn't mind. She needed someone to make the decisions for her.

"Okay, fine."

Five minutes of agony passed. But then agony turned to acceptance. Acceptance turned to enjoyment. Before Kate realized she was having fun, 15 minutes went by. She was smiling and laughing. Castle missed the ball when she threw it. A dog caught it and ran back to his owner. It was Castle chasing the dog who was looking for his owner. When he got back and threw the ball to Kate, she missed.

"Quick, pick it up!" Castle said laughing.

But it didn't last long. She felt the sadness creep up on her, unsuspected. Her face became long, angry, but sad.

"Can we go sit now?"

"Yeah, Kate, we can go sit."

Castle moved his leg. He didn't want to disturb the sleeping woman lying on his lap, but he had been sitting too long. He was leaned up against a tree, not tired at all. But he used this time to people watch. He was happy for once, and he thinks Kate was too. As happy as he can expect her to be. It was now approaching dinnertime and he wanted to take her somewhere. Nothing fancy, but he didn't want this day to end. He had gotten so far with her. She had smiled, laughed even. It was more than he could have hoped for from the woman who never left her room. He checked his watch. 5:00. He knew it was getting later. People were starting to leave the park. He brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She flinched at his touch, but didn't wake up.

"Kate," he said while he rubbed her shoulder.

She woke up after the third time he said her name. She sat up and looked at him. How long had she been asleep?

"Sorry about that."

"About what?"

"Falling asleep on you, and I mean literally _on _you."

"It's fine. We did a lot today, it's okay. I was thinking. We need to find dinner. What are you in the mood for?"

"Castle, I'm not hungry." Kate said as she stood up. Her weight was closer to her normal size, but her stomach was still sore. Something that would eventually go away. She had a scar, but the doctors said that it should fade sooner or later. It would never go away fully. But, because of how fast that the C-section was done, she was going to be a little sore for a while. Castle stood up next to her. He packed up everything that he had brought.

"Nothing big, just something to eat. Then we can head back."

"Okay."

Agreement. No fighting, just agreement. Castle knew that Kate was still in hell, but he was finally getting what he wanted.

* * *

They decided on a pizza place. They hadn't had pizza in a while. There weren't any pizza places by her apartment that were good enough. They ordered their food and sat down at an empty booth. Kate ate her entire meal, as did Castle. They didn't talk, and they were okay with that. One thing at a time. When they were finished they took the subway back to her stop and walked the rest of the way back to her apartment. It was good that she got out of the house today. They reached her apartment and instead of going directly into her room, Kate sat down on the couch. Castle put his stuff down, moved the blankets that he folded up every morning and unfolded every night. He took his place next to Kate and looked for the remote.

"Wait, don't turn on the TV."

"Okay." Castle looked confused.

"I'm finally feeling better for once, I want to just sit here and let it happen."

"Okay, what do you want to do?"

"Nothing, I want to do nothing for once. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel guilty. I want to sit here and feel nothing."

Castle accepted that and put his arm around her shoulders and let her fall into his chest. They sat on the couch. Talked about things here and there. When she would go back to work. How Alexis and his mother were doing back at the loft. It was the lightest their conversations could get.

Kate did have something on her mind. Actually, multiple things were on her mind. She was only going to bring up one though. Without moving, she decided that it was best to ask his advice now.

"Do you think I should tell Josh?"

Castle was caught off guard. She had lost all contact with him. He didn't know that she was even still thinking about him. But, how could she not? Their son had died. _Their _son. As much as he was not involved Castle thought that he had a right to know.

"I don't think I could face him. I want him to know, but I don't want his response. If he were there he would want to comfort me, hold me, and I don't want him to do that. If it were over the phone it would just be horrible. I don't want to tell him, but I think he should know."

Castle hesitated, but knew what he had to do.

"If you want, I could tell him."

Kate's silence echoed in the room. She was thinking. She sat up and faced him.

"Would that be weird? I mean, it wouldn't be for me, but for him? You know what, I don't care. He wasn't there, you were. And I think I'd like you to tell him for me. It would be easier."

"Okay, then I will."

"Thanks Castle.

"No problem."

"No, Castle. Thanks. For everything."  
"Always."

* * *

_Updates are sporadic. It all depends when I have time. Sometimes they will be quick. Others might take a while. It all depends on when I have time to sit and write. But I know I need to update. I won't leave you hanging to long!_


	7. Chapter 7

_3 Weeks Later (Almost 4 months after)_

Castle left Kate alone for the weekend. She was getting better. She got out of the house by herself. She made meals by herself. Castle began spending more time at his apartment with his family, where he was now. Alexis has been out doing her own thing. It was her summer. Martha had been watching her while he was away, but he always talked to his daughter every night and never went two days without seeing her.

Today Kate said she wanted to be by herself. Not in a way that made Castle worried so he thought that he would come home. He failed to call Alexis and came home to an empty loft. Alexis was staying over her friend's house and Martha was somewhere. He never knew, but when she heard that he was coming home for the weekend, she took it to her advantage. He spent the day catching up – on laundry, shopping. The last three months he was taking care of someone else he easily forgot about everything he was responsible for. Gina understood when he took a break from writing. He explained what happened and she allowed him to take the time he needed. He usually let his own experiences fuel his writing, but this was one that he was going to leave out. He didn't want to revive this feeling ever again or wish it upon his characters.

* * *

Kate woke up Monday morning by herself. She moped around her apartment without the encouragement from someone else to smile or shower. She felt relieved, but still depressed. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess; her pajamas were the same as yesterday. She decided that she needed to get herself together. Today was going to be the day. Enough with the old clothes and the childish tendencies. She wasn't ready to go back to work yet, but she decided it was time to go see her friends. Lanie, Ryan, and Esposito heard from Castle about the tragedy, but she never talked to anyone. She ignored their calls, but accepted their flowers that they mailed to the house.

She took a shower – an actual shower this time, not the usual rinsing off and getting out. When she was done she dried her hair and curled it. She dug her makeup out from the bottom of the counter and applied it. She was beginning to look like herself again. She went to her closet and took out a casual outfit – nothing dressy. She didn't want to be a detective today, just a friend. Kate left the house in her normal routine.

When she arrived at the precinct the guard at the front door let her inside. The officers around her grew quiet. She locked eyes with a few, but quickly moved out of the room while looking at her feet. She took the elevator up to her floor, but when she got out she was greeted with the same reaction. Quiet. Awkward. Sadness. She didn't want any of it. Why couldn't people just move on? She was beginning to feel normal again. She didn't want to see anyone in this state of being. She was trying to be strong. Esposito and Ryan were out on a case. She greeted the welcoming comments from her other coworkers, but decided that it would be best to just go straight for the morgue.

Lanie was leaning over a body when she saw her from the window. It had been too long since she saw her best friend. She normally bellowed into the morgue without notice, but she hesitated this time. She felt like she was intruding on something. She stood at the door, looked at her feet. She needed to gain the confidence to go into the room and talk to her friend. The tears needed to stay where they were. They couldn't overpower her life today. She pushed the door open.

"Hey Lanie."

"Beckett?!" Lanie said with her arms open. She stopped short of a hug, looked at the white gloves on her hands –

"I'll get you later. How have you been – I'm sorry, that was a stupid question."

"It's fine. I've been better. But, I'm better today than I was yesterday."

"I wish you would have let me come over. I hated to think that you were by yourself."

"I wasn't. Castle was there. We were fine."

Lanie looked at her friend. She was curious, but she walking a fine line. She hasn't seen her since she was forced on leave. She didn't know if anything more than friendship developed and she didn't know if it was okay to ask.

"Okay. So, where is he now?"

"Back at his place. He needed to catch up on some things around his loft. He's been helping me out so much that I thought he needed to go home for a bit."

"Go home – "

"Yeah, he's been sleeping on my couch."

Lanie knew something was up. She could feel it. But she let it subside. Kate wouldn't look her in the eye. She could tell her friend had been hurt. Her confidence level was depleted. Her natural smile was no longer there.

"I get off in thirty. Do you want to grab lunch?" Lanie asked, fishing for answers on how far she could push Kate.

"Yeah, sure. I'll meet you outside."

Kate got off the table she was sitting on and exited the room.

* * *

It was one o'clock and Castle had not spoken to Kate in two days. He left her Friday night and it was now Monday. He fumbled for his phone that had sank into the couch. Should he call her? He needed to check up on her. A sudden wave of concern fell over him. What if she was lying and she wasn't okay to be by herself. She seemed fine, but then again, she had seemed fine multiple times before she broke down. He found her speed dial on his phone and dialed.

"Hey,"

"Hey…" he said as a question.

"How's your weekend?" Kate asked.

She sounded good. He heard cars in the background. She was out?

"Good. Alexis and Martha were gone, but I got some things done that really needed to be finished. Where are you?"

"I'm out to lunch with Lanie."

A smile forced itself onto his face. He couldn't hide his happiness. He sat up from the couch and stood while he talked. He could have laughed in excitement.

"That's great! I'm so proud of you!"

"You make it sound like I'm a child." Kate said happily.

"I'm just excited."

While they talked Castle began to feel a little disappointed. Maybe Kate didn't need him anymore. How does he figure out if he needed to come over later? And now there was an awkward silence over the phone. He needed her to break it. She was at lunch. This probably seemed rude –

"So, I'll see you tonight?" Kate asked casually.

_Thank God. _

"Yeah, I'll see you tonight."

* * *

Kate walked into her apartment and shut the door. She put her keys where they belonged. She didn't notice the normalcy of her routine as she completed it. She did this everyday - her bag set down next to the entryway. Her shoes next to her bag. She was programmed to do this. But then it hit her. She hadn't done this in months. A wave of emotion flooded back into her mind. Tears welled up. Where was this coming from? She hadn't felt anything all day and it was a relief. She wasn't tired. Her grief wasn't taking up her entire day and her life. Why now? Her heart became heavy. She felt the weight of it all pressing down on her shoulders. The emptiness inside her made itself known again. She walked to the couch and sat down. Her elbows on her knees; hand on her head. Tears fell down her face against her will, her emotion escalating. She needed something. She had been in her room and the kitchen since she had gotten home from the hospital. She turned her head to look at _the _door. Tears fell past her left ear and into her hair. She needed something to comfort her.

She opened the door that would allow her into her nursery. The furniture would be the same, waiting for a baby to use the bed in the crib. The stuffed animals decorating the walls all prepared to help raise a child. She twisted the handle, closed her eyes to prepare herself. She opened the door and looked up.

Nothing was there. She stood in the doorway. The crib, the changing table, the chair. Everything was gone. She felt empty. Why was everything being taken from her without her knowing? She walked into the room and stood where the changing table was. She ran her hands against the walls and looked at the barren shelves. Silent tears stained her face. She moved past the window and stopped. She fell to the ground where the crib used to sit. With her head against the wall, she grabbed her knees and cried.

* * *

Castle stopped and got dinner for them before he went for Kate's for the night, but it would probably be the week. The doorman let him in, his face very familiar by now. He waited for the elevator and greeted people as they passed. Today was a good day. And people were in a strangely good mood. The doors open and he got in along with two elderly women. He let them press their numbers first and then he pressed his. The Chinese food bag rested in his left arm and he leaned against the wall with his right. The women got out, each on a different floor. They spent a few minutes saying goodbye to each other, but Castle didn't mind. A few moments later the doors opened on Kate's floor. He took out his keys to where her key sat among his other keys. He grabbed the uniquely silver one and unlocked the door. All of her stuff was there. He put down his keys in the bowl next to hers.

"Kate?" he said as he put down the bag of food in the kitchen and began unloading it.

"Kate?" he said a little louder.

Maybe she was asleep? But it was only six. She must be awake. He went to her bedroom door and knocked, but didn't get an answer. He knocked again. Finally he opened the door to an empty room. She wasn't in the bathroom…

Castle got a sinking feeling in his stomach. She was doing so well, she couldn't be regressing. He walked over to the empty room and saw her leaning against the wall on her side. She was sitting up, her knees supporting her head. Her face was red and her shirt was damp. She had been crying. He walked over and sat down next to her.

"Kate," he said as he rubbed her shoulder.

She woke up and her face registered who was standing in front of her. Kate tried to be strong but her face wrinkled and her tears began to fall again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried. They sat in silence for a moment until Kate spoke through her escalating cries.

"I don't know why I'm crying." Kate said between heaves.

"It's okay. You're okay."

Castle rubbed her back as her whole body shook.

"I thought I was doing better. I thought things were finally changing."

Castle leaned his back against the wall and let her legs swing across him. He held her like a child in the darkened room that was supposed to be for her baby. Her wall was completely down and she was succumbing to her emotions that she had been trying too hard to fight.

"I just miss him so much." Kate said allowing the sentence to be a catalyst for everything that she felt.

"I know you do, I do too."

"It's not fair! Why did this have to happen! I didn't do anything. He didn't deserve this, to be ripped from this world. He didn't even get a chance to live. Why am I still here! You should have let me die instead of him!"

Castle's chin rested on her head. He didn't have an answer for why things like this happened to some people.

Kate stood up forcefully. She walked over to the window and then to the door. Her arms waving as she spoke through her tears. Castle couldn't understand what words she was forming, but he understood everything she was saying. He stood up and walked next to her.

"No, don't hug me anymore Castle! I am tired of feeling like this. I don't want to need anyone anymore. I was fine before this whole thing and I will be fine after. I don't need you!"

Castle knew she didn't mean that. She was upset and angry.

"I'll be fine," she said brokenly.

"Kate, come back. Let's sit down."

"No, you know what? I'm okay. I'm _perfectly _fine."

She was now in the living room. She walked around the couch and found his shoes and grabbed his keys. Her attitude was clearly showing itself. She sniffled and wiped her face.

"See, no more crying. So you can just leave this apartment and go back to your family and let me do what I need to do. You can't be babying me forever. Go home." Kate said as she was pushing him out of her apartment and shoving his things into his hands.

"Bye, Castle. I'll see you later." She said as she shut the door and locked it.

Castle waited a few minutes, put his shoes on the ground and back on his feet. He waved off the looks he got from other people in the hallway. They must have heard Kate and saw him standing in the hallway. He gave them a polite, flat smile and held up a hand to show them that he had this under control. Kate walked away from the door because he heard her footsteps pound further away. He put his cellphone in his pocket and picked up his keys. He unlocked her front door and walked into the apartment once more. He put his keys into the bowl again and walked over to the couch to find Kate's face buried into a pillow. He heard her muffled crying and sat on the edge of the couch.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it."

"I know."

* * *

_As some of you found out, I do answer every question and read every review. If you ask me on tumblr I can directly answer you and I will. Otherwise, if it's a review on here, I take everything you say into consideration and mold the story. Let me know where you think the story should go. I know where I think it's going, but that can always change. _


	8. Chapter 8

_1 Week Later (Almost 4 months after)_

Castle felt his phone in his pocket next to his wallet. He checked to make sure they were still in his pocket for the fourth time since he left the cab. He was doing this out of nerves. His energy was skyrocketing and he needed to remain calm. He took it a step at a time. He needed to get to the bench, that was the first thing. Then he would sit down and act polite, say hello. Third, he would contain his anger. He wasn't there; he doesn't know the full story. He has one job to do. He walked up to the wooden bench that was partially in the sunlight and under a tree.

"Hey," he said with an uncomfortable smile. He never really did like this man.

"Hey Rick" Josh said as he stood and held out a hand to shake.

Castle shook his hand and held out his other signaling them to sit down. Both men sat angled to each other with a wall of awkwardness lying between them. Kids rode their bikes and scooters while their parents walked beside them. Dogs were being chased. People were running. It was another normal summer day.

"You know, when you called and asked to meet, I didn't know what you wanted. I almost didn't come, but I haven't seen Kate in so long –"

"She's not going to be here."

Josh's face showed disappointment. Castle realized that what had happened was something that deeply hurt him too.

Josh wasn't stupid. He knew the subject matter that was about to be brought up. Castle and Kate were always close. She might not be here, but he knew why Castle was.

"Look, I think we can avoid this without a court date. I have money, I can pay for whatever she needs."

Castle looked at him with confusion.

"No, I'm not here for money." Castle said as he looked at his knees. He wished that he needed to speak to Josh for money. "I need to tell you something."

Castle went through the whole story. He watched his face register the information. Josh's hand went to his forehead, rubbed his eyes. His elbows moved to his knees and allowed his back to slouch over. His eyes welled up, and then they drained. The water receded back down into his body. He leaned back into the bench and sat up. Castle knew that this was a lot of information but he continued on the story. He ended with the conversation that he and Kate had. How they both decided that Josh needed to know.

"So, - wait, how – um…"

"It's okay. Take a minute."

"So, my son is dead."

Castle didn't know how to answer this. He wanted to look at this man and tell him no, _your _son isn't dead, Kate's is. But he couldn't. Even though Josh didn't know the child and acted like one when he left, he did just find out that his son had died. Castle looked at the man in front of him and simply answered yes. They sat in a moment of silence. Castle wanted to leave and get back to Kate, but he stayed to make sure that he was okay.

"How could she do this?" Josh whispered to himself.

Castle became confused once again. How could who do what?

"What do you mean?"

"How could Kate do this to me? I should have been there. I should have never allowed her to kick me out. I got a job in Seattle. Did you know that? Of course you didn't. I'm leaving next week. I was prepared to let that baby grow up without me."

"Look, it's over now. I just wanted to let you know."

Castle moved slightly on the bench preparing to leave.

"Were you there? Were you there when she was at the hospital."

"Yes" Castle said hesitantly.

Josh paused and looked at the ground. The amount of information he had just received was too much to process. His mind was firing everything back at him. Every doubt he had in his mind. Every emotion that he had felt from the beginning of their relationship until now.

"Are you sleeping with her?"

"Excuse me?" Castle was caught off guard. He was trying to let him know their child had died in March and Josh was bringing this up.

"Are you sleeping with her? . . . Are you two together." Josh said angrily.

"I don't think that's any of your business."

Castle could tell that this man was hurt. All three of them were hurt.

"You know what. Whatever. She can have you." He said as he stood up.

Castle saw the similar situation as he stood up as well. Anger out of pain. Blame someone for something even though you don't really care. He had gone through it before and saw it in Kate just a week ago.

"I better go." Castle said. Make the break from this escalating argument.

"Yea okay."

Castle turned to walk away.

"Wait. I have a question." Josh said, looked at the back of Castle with hope, but paused. "What was his name?"

"Aiden," Castle said without turning. "She named him Aiden."

* * *

_2 Months Later (5 months after)_

"Where's my shoe?"

"What?"

"My shoe. I can't find it." Kate said from the floor of her closet.

"Yea, I heard that. You have many shoes Kate."

"You know the one . . . I wore it to dinner the other night."

"Kate, I didn't really see your shoes."

Kate ignored the comment and kept looking.

"Found it!"

Castle came in from his makeshift bedroom in the living room. Kate's bed was filled with mismatched outfits.

"Kate, we're going to the beach, not fashion week."

"I know, but I haven't been to the beach in a long time."

"Well we're going out to eat one night later in the week and the rest were staying home. It will be you and me for the first two days and then Alexis will be joining us when she is done at her friend's house. She's already down there. The dress code consists of shorts and t-shirts." Castle said as he picked up the sundress that was lying on the bed.

"Don't you have to go home and pack." Kate said with a smile.

"Perks of having a beach house. Most of my stuff is already down there."

* * *

They arrived at the Hamptons later the next morning. Castle had a dinner planned for night. He had already set it up when he went down earlier in the week. Kate had a weekend planned with her father and he used that to his advantage. He had everything hidden so she could snoop around and still not find it.

They spent the day at the beach. Kate enjoyed the sun and Castle enjoyed the company. They went in the water a few times, but ended up falling asleep on the beach. Relaxation was something they both craved. Even though they were both home, they both equally have never been so exhausted. They both wanted to be free of the weight inside their chest. It never seemed to go away, until now.

Kate rolled over to her side and nudged Castle to wake him up.

"I was thinking I would go back to work soon."

Castle rolled over to his side to make Kate's.

"Yeah? That's great. Do you think you're ready?"

"I think I am. I can't sit around my apartment anymore. I need to get back into the routine I was in before . . ." Kate still couldn't mention it or put a name to her son's death.

"I think that's a great idea. Even though I think my company deserved an award. But, I guess only few can enjoy the true art of company-ing"

"You do? Okay. Good. And I enjoyed every second of it. Don't worry"

"Do you think you can handle it all? The content of the cases."

"I think I can. I'm still going to see my therapist once a week. And I can talk to the boys and take it one case at a time. You're going to be there with me, right?" Kate asked, as a security question instead of a partner question. She needed him to be there to support her more than anything. Yes, he would always be her partner, but she needed more of him now.

"I'll be there, just let me know when."

Kate rolled over onto her back and let the sun beat down on her stomach.

"Oh, and Kate. Nikki won't be hearing any of this."

Kate smiled. "Thanks."

* * *

They left the beach around four-thirty. The walk back to the house was only a few minutes, something Castle loved about his beachfront property. When they reached the house they used the outside shower to rinse off – separately – and decided to spend the rest of the afternoon apart and meet again for dinner.

Kate went to her room and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. She dug her sneakers out from the bottom of her suitcase and went for a walk. With each step her head seemed to become clearer. Stress pushed its way through her sneakers and into the world. She didn't know where she was going and she liked it - the subtle mystery to the foreign neighborhood around her. When she got back an hour later Castle was nowhere to be found. She ignored the curiosity that begged her to know where he was and went upstairs to her room.

Her shower lasted longer than it should have. Something about being at the beach and showering afterwards made everything more enjoyable. Her skin was soft from the sand and her hair felt amazing from the saltwater. The undertone color that sometimes shone in her hair was highlighted from being in the sun all day. And the shampoo that was already in her shower made it smell addicting. After she changed into her sweats – her outfit before her evening outfit - she plugged in her hairdryer and got out her curling iron and makeup.

The saltwater really did do wonders for her hair because the curls had bounce but were relaxed on her shoulders. She knew that she looked amazing and could not wait to pair it with her sundress that she had brought. She had switched it with the one that was on her bed back at home because she wanted on that Castle had not seen, or laid his hands on. It was a tribal pattern that matched her complexion. And it was on of those mullet dresses – short in the front, long in the back. So, not only did it make her skin look unusually amazing, it showed her best feature as well – her legs. She didn't know what they were doing for dinner so she got her wedges that strapped up to her ankle and made them ready to put on if they needed to be. When another hour had past since she and Castle split she decided to go downstairs. It was approaching 7 o'clock and the sun was setting. She walked outside the patio door to find Castle.

Kate froze.

The patio railings had white Christmas lights that lined the perimeter. There was a wooden table in front of her with flowers in a small vase. The gate to the beach was open so they could see the ocean and the sand. She walked to her left and saw that the tree next to them had lights throughout it too. Different lights. Each one was a unique shape and pattern, but they all were paper lights. Lanterns to be exact. The sun was setting behind her and the lights were illuminating the patio. There was music playing in the background but Kate could not see any speakers. She walked a little further and came to the edge of the patio and leaned against the railing. Life seemed perfect. She felt relaxed. Calm. She felt like she could live here for the rest of her life and forget everything else.

"Do you like it?"

Kate turned around and saw Castle standing in the doorway.

"Did you do this for me?" she said with a smile.

"You deserve it." He said with reassurance.

* * *

They ate dinner that Castle had prepared similar to their dinner on the rooftop. Kate thought about everything that had changed since then. It had only been five months, but they had been a long and eventful five months. And she was beginning to finally understand and accept. She saw at Castle who was looking at his plate. She was so thankful for having someone to share this with. Someone who was there for everything. She told him things that she didn't share with anyone. She smiled to herself and was caught when he looked up to her.

Castle saw the woman sitting in front of him. Her smile caught him off guard and sent chills throughout him. The strongest woman he had ever known was two feet from him. He would forever be in awe of her courage. It finally hit him that he had found the woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

"What are you looking at?" Kate said with a laugh.

"Nothing. You. Everything."

Kate slid a hand to her head and pushed her hair behind her ear. She tried to push away the comment but didn't. She didn't want to push anything away anymore. Maybe when they were back home, but right now she didn't have any regrets or second-guesses.

After dinner they both put their plates inside and walked a little bit until they reached sand. They sat down and watched the waves. They could still hear the music behind them. The sun was about to disappear from their side of the world. Kate inched closer to Castle as her feet dug into the sand. Her head slowly fell to his shoulder. He followed by putting his arm around her and allowing Kate to fall into him. He played with the strands of hair that were lying on her back. She was about to close her eyes when a familiar song came on.

_Oh, my love. My darling. I've hungered for your touch…_

"Kate, stand up."

"What?"

"Come on. Stand up." Castle said as he stood up and grabbed her hand along the way.

_And time goes by so slowly. And time can do so much…_

Kate did as she was asked and stood up with Castle. He grabbed her hands and put them around his neck and pivoted his feet to the music.

"Ah, middle school style. Okay."

Kate, barefoot, leaned into Castle's chest and swayed to the music with him. She closed her eyes and let a smile creep upon her face. The song seemed to never end, and when it did, they stood there. Let the next song take over. The waves crashed in the background and the music was understandable, but if they were a few more feet away they would not be able to hear it. There was nobody around them. The town was deserted with people going back to work and kids back in school. Castle's house was far enough from the other houses, regardless. It was the two of them and a beach.

"Thank you," Kate said into his chest.

"For what?"

"Everything. All of it."

"Of course." Castle said as he moved back and looked at her face. Kate looked up to meet his eyes.

"I can't know what you're going through, as much as I would like to. I know how bad I hurt. How much I wanted to just hold him in my arms and see his smile. I wanted to know what color his eyes were. I wanted to see him grow up. Discover what foods were his favorite or what he found funny on television; all the things that I did with Alexis because, Kate, I felt like he was a part of me even though he wasn't. And I miss him. And that means that what I feel is only a fraction of what you must feel. I tried to understand and think what I would feel if I had never gotten to see Alexis or hear her talk. And I couldn't do it."

He looked at her eyes, which were watery.

"Kate, those few hours where you were still in your unknowing world, I prayed. I never pray. Ever. But I prayed that I could somehow switch places with you. That I could take it from you and suffer it, but I knew I couldn't. I had to be the one to let you know that your world was going to collapse. I had to watch you as you felt your entire existence crush around you. And it was hell. Whenever we weren't together all I did was cry. It was so hard these past few months to be strong for you, but I did. And, if I had to do it all over again, make the decision to tell you instead of the nurses. To take care of you when you wouldn't leave your bed, I'd do it in a heartbeat."

Kate saw his eyes begin to match hers. The love that he developed for her child, for her, was finally becoming a reality. She hadn't realized when he had taken her shopping, bought her clothes. Stayed with her when she couldn't move off the couch. He was more of a father than anyone else this baby could have known.

"Rick, when I look back at everything that happened, I realized something too. If I had to go through this again, I would choose you. This thing was going to happen to my body regardless of who was sitting in that waiting room or by my hospital bed. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't want anyone else holding my hand."  
Castle wrapped his arms around her. His chin rested on her head as her arms wrapped around him as well. He kissed her on the top of her head and let her sink into him.

"Thank you too."

"Always."

They fell asleep on the beach that night. When Castle woke up he had a smile on his face because when he looked next to him, the woman he had fallen for was still lying in his arms.


	9. Chapter 9

_1 Month Later (6 Months After)_

* * *

"Where are we on the case?"

* * *

"Okay, let's see if we can find out who he was talking to."

* * *

"Alright, you two go track down the guy that he was involved with."

* * *

"The wife must have known something, let's find out what she was hiding."

* * *

"Okay, good job guys. We can do this all tomorrow. Go home."

Kate watched as her team dispersed into the elevator and the stairwell on their way home to their families. The murder board was giving her nothing. The case was dead. She had been in this position before and she felt guilty for doing what she was about to, but she grabbed her stuff and followed her team. Staying here for even one more hour would not solve it before morning.

"You ready?" she called into the break-room while looking at her phone.

"Yeah, give me a sec."

Castle gathered his things and met Kate at the elevator. This had become routine now - leaving when she was ready.

"What do you want tonight?"

"I don't know. Italian maybe? What do you want,"

Both of them looked at their phones and gave half of their attention to each other.

* * *

They reached the apartment with food in hand and not speaking. Kate put everything in its usual spot and Castle as well. He settled in his space on the couch and Kate sat in the chair adjacent to him. They turned on the news and ate their dinner. When they were finished the individually put their trash away, said goodnight, and went to bed – Kate in her room and Castle still on the couch. This was normal for them. Castle was used to spending the nights on the couch. He didn't think about it; he didn't need to.

On a normal night, Kate goes into her room and changes into her pajamas. She would enter her bathroom and put her clothes in her hamper. She'd grab a bar of soap and wash her face and then she'd brush her teeth. Kate would get into bed, maybe read for a bit, set her alarm and fall asleep. If this were a normal night she would have easily drifted off, but tonight she didn't. She was tired, yes, but she tossed around the bed. The sheets became tangled in her feet and the uncomfortable feeling of a disheveled bed forced her to remake it. She laid back down and rolled into the perfect position on her stomach – one leg bent with her foot near her knee – wrapped her hands around her pillow. But that didn't work. She had the case on her mind and she was wide-awake. And when Kate is wide-awake everything becomes a subject of debate. She rolled over onto her back and looked at the ceiling. She wasn't upset, but she wasn't happy either. She felt like she was programmed to do everything. Get up. Get ready. Go to work. Solve case. Come home. Eat dinner. Go to Bed. Repeat. She didn't feel emotion. She needed to feel emotion again. She forced herself to think about her son and immediately felt guilty for moving on slightly. Her therapist said this would happen. That she would feel fine and that she should enjoy it. But, after Kate forced it out of Castle, she found that he had warned him that this grace period was only temporarily. The closer she got to the anniversary the harder it would be. But Kate didn't feel it. She felt okay. But she didn't. She wanted things to be easier. She sat up and swung her legs around to the side of the bed. Her mind was on fire. Water. She would get water and then it would be easier to fall asleep. It's been an hour. Castle is asleep – she didn't need to throw on a sweatshirt. She tiptoed out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. She opened the cabinet and grabbed a cup of water to –

"Couldn't sleep either."

"Castle! God. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay. I'm still awake."

"Yeah, I know how you feel."

"Kate, you need a new couch. This one really is horrible. I've been meaning to get you a new one, but really. This is not comfortable today."

"Sorry. I don't know what else to tell you."

She knew exactly what her options were. Castle could share her bed – but that would be weird, right? They were technically single, neither in a relationship, but still they weren't together. There was an unspoken rule somewhere in there. Castle could also go home for the night. Sleep in his own bed. Kate was doing better and she suddenly felt guilty that she took this man from his entire life back home.

"Castle, if it's really an inconvenience, you could go home for the night." Kate asked more than stated. She didn't want him to go, but she didn't want to be rude either.

"I'm fine. Go back to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

The next morning was just as it was the week before. Castle had gotten up early to stop back home. He did this every Thursday. Just before the weekend but not a Friday. He brought his duffle bag with him and swapped out his clothes. He would go home after work and do his laundry, see his family, then come over later tonight. Kate went to work by herself - accompanied only by the coffee that was waiting for her on the kitchen island. She drove to the precinct and was whisked away to a new lead. She texted Castle the address and he met her there. They went about their day like every other day. And when it ended, Castle went home. But before he could completely leave her sight, Kate stopped him.

"Castle. Let's try something new," she said, finding his eyes. "I think I'm ready. Stay home tonight. Sleep at your house. I'll meet you in the morning."

"Are – are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Castle was surprised. Not about Kate being okay. He knew she was doing a lot better, but by the difference in the routine. He brushed it off.

"Are you going home too?"

"Probably not. I'll finish up here and get home later."

"Okay, well – text me when you get home?"

"Okay. Goodnight."

* * *

"Detective Beckett, you have a phone call."

She turned around to see one of the new temps from the office pointing to the ringing phone at her desk.

"Oh, sorry, thanks."

Kate walked over and sat in her chair to pick up the phone.

"Beckett."

"Kate Beckett?" a bright female voice questioned.

"This is she."

"Hi, my name is Sarah and I am calling on behalf of Dr. Hanes office."

A twinge shot down Kate's spine and sent adrenaline throughout her body. Why was her OB-GYN calling her?

"Okay. . . "

"We need you to pick up the files you have still here at the office. We tried your home number and your cell . . . we close at six today -"

Kate looked at her watch. It was just about to be five right now.

"Okay. I can stop by when I leave work. May I ask what files you have there?"

"Things that you must have forgotten when you left the hospital. Pictures, little cards. Things moms like to have when they bring baby home. Put in the scrapbook."

She didn't know. She wasn't her doctor. She didn't have her record. Kate forced these thoughts into her head. This was just an office temp. It's okay. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Forced it deep down to join the heaviness inside her chest.

"Okay. Thanks. I'll be there soon."

Kate hung up the phone and sat back in her chair. She could do this, she knew she could. First attempt to take something on her own. Hold her own hand through it. She could prove to herself – and Castle – that she could really live on her own and be okay with it, whether she liked it or not. She grabbed her coat and packed up her desk for the evening. Her doctor wasn't far, but she didn't want to be there right as they were closing.

When she reached the office door she took breath. She could do this. Kate opened the door and stepped inside. Three rows of identical chairs separated her from the sliding glass window that held some file that she hadn't known about. She walked up to the window and the woman on the other side slid it open. She was wearing scrubs and had blonde hair that was tied into a ponytail. Her nametag said Sarah – the woman on the phone – and she looked like an office temp, exactly like she had thought. Sarah had to be younger than Kate, but older than 25.

"Hi, I'm Kate Beckett. You called me about half an hour ago?"

"Yes! Hi. Let me go grab your stuff," Sarah said as she walked around the office. "The hospital didn't have an address to send the file to so they sent it here. You must not have gone with your doctor or to your regular hospital to have your baby. We had it thinking that you were going to stop back in for your checkup, but at six months we have to clear out the old random things. So I thought I'd give you a call to see if you want it."

The woman walked behind the wall that led probably to more files. A moment later she came back with a brown file in hand with three red and green squares on the side.

"Here it is."

Sarah opened it to check to make sure that everything was still inside.

"OH. Good thing I called you. You wouldn't want to lose these!."

Sarah held open the file to the hand and footprints of Kate's son. Kate didn't think they took any but here they were. Her eyes began to feel tingly. She could hold it together. She smiled and looked up at the woman.

"Thank you."

"Are those of your little boy or little girl?" she asked innocently.

"My son."

"Little boys are the greatest. Have a great night." She said with a smile and closed the window.

Kate turned around and walked out of the office.

* * *

Back at her apartment she put the file down. She wasn't afraid to go through it, she just didn't know if she could do it by herself. She wanted to. She wanted to tear through that file and see every last bit of her child. She didn't remember giving birth to him. She only remembers holding him after it was too late. Castle didn't get to see him either. Everything that she had left was sitting two feet away from her. She gained the invisible strength and walked to her kitchen island to felt the folder. Just like any other typical business folder. Brown with _BEC, K _on the file tab. Just think of it like that, she told herself over and over, but it wasn't sinking in. This was never going to be just another file. She opened it and saw the familiar footprints with the handprints above it. She rubbed her fingers over the tiny feet. Her son was a real person. He didn't have a birth certificate. Laws defined him as a fetus and not a baby because he had never taken his first breath. But she had these prints. On the bottom of the page had _Baby Boy Beckett. _She turned it over and looked at what else was in the file. Her hospital bracelet that Castle must have cut off of her while she was sleeping. In a bag behind it was her son's tiny hospital bracelet. It fit around her finger. She didn't remember any of this. She knew that it all happened, but she couldn't put a timeline in her head. She closed the folder with tears running down her face.

She went into her room, confused and upset. The picture frame containing the last sonogram she had done was next to her nightstand. For her "going back to work" present Castle had the 3D image framed for her. She had it in her mirror for a while, but now it was protected. The tiny little face still growing inside her will forever be next to her at the end of the night. Her tears became faster. The still emotion that was inside her became full again. Her need for her son was there. It had resurfaced. She needed it to go back down. She had work the next day. She forced herself into her routine. Her therapist said it would help to keep one. She went into her bathroom, washed her face, brushed her teeth. Her pajamas were on. But she couldn't make herself lie in her bed. She felt lonely, empty. Her apartment was empty. She went out to the couch that now had an indent towards the end Castle slept on. She usually walked out to him when she felt this way. They would talk or just sit in silence. Sometimes they would eat whatever leftovers they had. The mood would switch and Kate would be able to fall asleep whether it was out in the living room or in her bed. She fell down in his spot and let the tears stain the pillow under her head. She turned her face into it and cried. It smelled like him. A wave of comfort flushed over her and ran down her back. She grabbed the pillow and sat up. She took another whiff of the scent that was too familiar.

* * *

Kate woke up a few hours later. Her room was dark. She rolled over and felt the pillow still under her head. But it wasn't enough. Why was she acting like this? It's been six months. Only six months. She was forcing herself to move on when she needed to be patient. She sat up and reached for the light. Her sweatshirt was sitting on the dresser across from her. It was the inciting incident for the rest that soon followed. She grabbed her shoes from the basket by her closet and put them on. Her pace quickened as she grabbed her keys and ran out the door.

The elevator would not come quick enough. Kate pressed the buttons repeatedly until it finally opened its doors. It crawled down to the lobby where everything was still. It was late; she didn't want to take the subway. She walked onto the main street and hailed a taxi, but she left her wallet upstairs. Castle would pay. Kate told the man the address she needed to go to and asked him to hurry. She played with her fingers, scrapped off nail polish. Looked out the window – then the other. She had useless energy.

"This is it," she said leaning into the front of the taxi. "Okay. I'll be back down with money."

"Okay. Meter is still running."

She pressed the button for the elevator, but it was taking to long. She looked to the door next to it and pushed it open. Skipping stairs, she ran until she got to the right floor. Her heart was going to pound out of her chest. She couldn't control the desperate need that she had inside of her; the familiar want for comfort. She ran to the door down the hallway and knocked on it. She didn't stop knocking until Castle opened. Kate stepped inside and flung her arms around him.

"Kate, what's wrong?!"

"Don't leave me again," she said out of breath.

"Okay. I won't." Castle said, confused, with his arms now around her. He rubbed her back as he shut the door. They stood in the doorway to his loft for a while. Kate cried, wiped away tears. Cried again. She tilted her head upward to look at him. Her eyes were red and her face was wet. He reached a hand up and wiped away a tear that was forming.

"Castle?"

"Yeah."

"You need to pay the taxi driver."

Confused at first, but he registered it. "Okay," He said with a slight laugh. "I'll get it."He moved around her and let go.

"I'll be five minutes. Go lie down."

"Okay."

Castle walked out of his apartment and took the elevator to the taxi driver who was getting a great deposit on this trip. The actual driving wasn't the majority of the cost. He walked back into his building and took the elevator.. He was five minutes, not that long. Castle turned the key and walked into his apartment.

"Kate?"

He looked on the couch and didn't find her. He knew where she went. He walked into his darkened bedroom and saw the small lump in his bed, asleep.

* * *

_I have a grief process that I am following for Kate. I have gotten some response that opposed it. I am trying to be as realistic as possible - from research and personal experience of many different situations. However, I love your opinion! Reviews are always wanted. Also, I need a new info/description. As you can see this doesn't really follow that anymore. I've got some in mind, but I want to hear what you guys think! Send me them either here or on tumblr and I'll let you know if I pick yours! I've also have new ideas for other stories but I can take suggestions. Let me know!_

_tumblr - _


	10. Chapter 10

_7 Months After_

* * *

"Alright, to the left. The left. The _left. _Kate, your other left."

"Castle. I am trying. Do you _see _my left."

"Well I can't get out of the elevator without you pulling the backside up further. Otherwise we'll have a mattress jammed in the elevator and I think your neighbors might begin notice," Castle said as he poked his head around the side to see Kate…'s shoulder.

"Okay, well pull down as I pull up."

Castle did as he was told . . . and nothing happened.

"Kate, just come out here. Look at it from a different angle."

"Easier said than done. Things might get a lot quieter with me stuck behind a mattress forever."

"Okay. This time try twisting it while you pull."

Kate leaned her body weight onto the side as she tried to push it up with her feet. Castle pulled down on the edges of the mattress and felt it giving.

"Wait, Castle – "

Kate wasn't quick enough. The entire mattress fell down along with Castle underneath of it and onto the floor.

"You okay?" Kate winced while holding back laughter.

"Yea. Great. Never better," He said as he stood up, brushing off his pants. Kate climbed over the mattress – over Castle – and onto the floor of the building to help him up.

* * *

They got the mattress through the hallway and to Kate's apartment. Getting it through her front door was easier than they had thought, with all the space open behind them.

"I can honestly say I have never been more grateful for wide hallways," Castle said, still in the doorway.

Kate responded with a relieved smile as she carried her half of the mattress to the living room. She leaned it up against the back of the couch and fell into the depths of the chair next to her.

"That was long."

"At least getting it through the last doorway will be easy." Kate said as she pointed to her new "guest room," or as Castle would begin to call it, "his room."

"Maybe we should leave it out here for tonight, since we painted it yesterday."

Kate agreed. She didn't feel like setting up the room today anyway. She was exhausted from the shopping, the lifting. Sitting on this chair was where she wanted to be. Castle sat down on the couch with his head leaning against the mattress and joined her in the temporary silence. He closed his eyes and let his body mold to the cushions underneath of him.

"I talked to Alexis today," he interrupted.

"Yeah? How's college?"

"She likes it. Well, she _still _likes it. She finally began talking to her roommate. They've gotten dinner a few times. Apparently this girl is painfully shy. But, everything's great. She got a job in the campus bookstore." Castle dragged off and gave Kate a look of assurance.

"That's good. At least she is doing something when she isn't studying."

"When is she _not _studying."

Kate smiled. Her phone rang in the other room. She didn't want to get up. She was finally comfortable and she had the day off, but she needed to be available. Her body protested, but she got up and went to get her phone from her purse.

"Who is it?"

"It's my dad," she said, confusedly staring at the caller i.d.

"Hey, dad. What's up? Yeah. Okay. That sounds great. You can meet us here. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kate hung up and went back to her seat, phone in hand.

"We're seeing my father tomorrow."

"What's the occasion?"

"Nothing, he's going to be down our way so he decided to have dinner. I don't know where, but he will be here tomorrow at 5."

Castle shook his head and closed his eyes again.

Kate was equally exhausted. The silence comfortably sat between them and they let it occupy the room. But, with a sigh, Kate stood.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, if my father is coming here tomorrow we really can't have a mattress in my living room and your bedroom on my couch."

"He doesn't know I live here?"

"Not technically."

Castle rolled his eyes and smiled as he joined Kate.

"Looks like we have a project ahead of us."

* * *

By the end of the day they got the mattress in the already made bedframe that Castle had put together this morning _thank god. _The room that was once blue and was once for a child now held a brown, wooden bedframe with a mattress lying inside of it. The new comforter and sheet set spread across it. Instead of a crib and a chair, there were end tables, a dresser, and a mirror. The walls matched the other rooms – a shade of white and cream. Kate walked into the room pushing aside everything that she knew she should be thinking and flopped on the bed. It was easier to occupy her mind with decorations and paint colors than the emotion that was seeping from the walls beside her. Castle followed Kate and felt the same relief that she was expressing. He lied down beside her and tested out his new bed.

"Do you think it's weird that you have everything here but still have a home?" Kate said. She was too tired to let herself think before she spoke. She knew the odd line they have been walking. They knew it would hurt to see the other in a relationship, but they haven't talked about anything besides the few hints here and there.

"Not really. I don't know what we have here," Castle said as he grabbed her hand, "but I know that there is no where else I'd rather be. Alexis is at college. My mother, she's never home and when she is – I'd rather not be there for whatever I'm going to have to pay for later."

Kate smiled and deep down she knew he was telling the truth, but she felt guilty. They were in this stoic state and she couldn't do anything about it. And he was giving up so much.

"Alright," Castle said as he got up, breaking the conversation. "Time to eat."

* * *

Kate spent the next morning cleaning her apartment. It wasn't messy, but it wasn't how she wanted to present it to her father. She had never really been this unprepared. This was the first time he was seeing her instead of her making the trip to see him. She finished straightening her room – even though no one was going to see it – and made her way into the living room.

"I got in here." Castle said, kneeling by the couch.

"Okay."

Kate moved into the kitchen, which was already clean. The dishes were put into the correct cabinets. Nothing was in the sink. She looked over to the bathroom, which was equally as clean. Everything was done.

"What – what else needs to be done?" she said looking around.

"Nothing, I think you're done. There is not an ounce of dirt left in this apartment. Now. Go get ready."

Kate looked at her father's watch. He would be here in three hours. Her mind climbed down from the height it took from the adrenaline of cleaning. She was tired, but that would pass. Kate walked into her room and turned the shower on. As it heated up she looked in her closet. Nothing. Well, everything – but nothing. She'd face it when she got out. She tested the water with her hand before she got in. The warm water trailed down her back as it washed away the sweat that gathered throughout the day. This had become her space to get away and not think – the opposite purpose it had served previously. When she was done she stepped out, grabbed a towel, and made her way to the long decision process that awaited her at her closet.

Castle usually showered at home besides the few times he used Kate's shower. She didn't mind. But, recently he's been getting ready in her bathroom because of how much he has been here. He finished up in the living room and waited until he heard the shower turn off. And then waited until he knew she would be dressed. Her door was closed, as it should be.

"Hey, Kate. Let me know when I can use the shower."

"Give me a few minutes and then it's all yours."

Castle went into his room and picked out the clothes that he was going to wear. They were now situated nicely in the dresser that was in his room. He didn't need to iron them from sitting in the duffel bag or air them out to get out the plastic smell. When he knew exactly what he was going to wear he brought it with him into Kate's room. He knocked, and when he was told to come in, he opened the door. Kate stood at her closet in shorts and an old t-shirt. He could see that she was not wearing a bra.

_Face. Look at her face. She has two eyes, a nose. Her eyes. Her nose…_

"You can use the shower. I'm going to be in here forever. When you're done I'll start my hair." Kate said as she walked around her room.

"Okay."

Kate waited until Castle was in the bathroom and she heard the shower start to break out into full fashion mode. She brought out a couple shirts. Some dresses. Some pants. She spread them across her newly made bed to look at everything at once. She could wear the dress pants and new white shirt she had just bought. But she felt girlier than that. She did have a dress that she had been meaning to wear. It was gray and it cut at the knees. The hemline at the waist hugged a few inches above her hips; a fitted, feminine cut. The sleeves went down to right above her elbow and had a black trim where they ended. She would pair it with high, black Mary Jane-esque heels that complimented the style she was going for. She'd get dressed after she had finished her hair. There was no sense of walking around the apartment for hours with a dress on. She looked at the alarm clock next to her bed. She needed to start her hair. If she started it now she would have around forty minutes before her dad arrived giving her curls just enough time to unwind to a perfect loose length. Castle was still in the shower where she had left her hair dryer a curling iron. They have seen each other in various states of undress before so there was no reason she couldn't just knock on the door and grab her stuff.

_Would that be crossing a line?_

No. Yes. Maybe. No. She did have a glass, square shower. There wasn't a curtain, but the glass was muggy. And with the steam added to the fade. That line needed to be crossed anyway.

_Did it?_

It wasn't like she'd be _looking. _She walked to her bathroom door and knocked – a strange thing to be doing in her own room.

"Hey Castle? Can I grab my hair dryer real quick? I'll be five seconds. I'll close my eyes."

"Yeah, that's fine."

_No it wasn't. Was it? _Castle felt the awkwardness force itself into the room when she opened to door. She kept her head faced away from the shower. The mirror was fogged. Kate bent down in front of the cabinet below her sink and quickly grabbed the items she needed. It wasn't even thirty seconds before she exited the room. Castle turned off the shower and opened the sliding door. He took one foot out of the shower and onto the damp towel on the floor to grab the clean one sitting on the –

"Oh, sorry!" Kate said as her hand flew to her eyes, the door slamming into Castle's assumingly naked body.

"It's okay." Castle said as he held the door in place.

"Sorry, I - I needed the hair cream," she said as she pointed to the sink, and then swapped hands, swinging her palm to her eyes once more, "I thought you were - I didn't hear the shower - I thought - I'm going to go now."

Kate shut the door and leaned against the wall next to it. Her hand flew to her face once more and the embarrassment exited her through a smile.

_That line was crossed._

* * *

Her father arrived on time, but they were still running around. Regardless of what time they start getting ready both of them would always be doing something at the last minute.

"Can you get that?" Kate yelled from the bedroom as she was buttoning the strap on her shoe. She heard her father come in and greet Castle as she grabbed her purse off of her bed that she managed to keep somewhat clean while she got ready. She walked out of her room to meet the two men standing in the hallway.

"Hey dad."

"Hey Katie," Jim said as he hugged his daughter, "you look wonderful."

"Thanks. You ready to go?" she said as her eyes went from her father's to Castle's.

"Yep, I already made reservations. Let's go." Jim said as he held out a hand to the door.

* * *

"and then – then," Kate tried to speak between laughs, "Ryan came walking back from the bathroom – with a look – this look was priceless."

Both Jim and Castle burst into laughter with her.

"Sounds like your back into the swing of things," Jim said with a smile.

Kate smiled, but felt uncomfortable. She was feeling good, but this was the closest that anyone had gotten to mentioning anything about that day in March. It was the hidden elephant in the room, only being noticed from time to time. Kate knew she had to bring it up, especially when she gave her dad the card that was burning a hole in her purse. She had thought of the idea early this morning. She escaped the prying questions of Castle by telling him she was taking a quick run before the day started.

"Yeah, and I'm back to writing," Castle said as he interrupted her thoughts.

Kate's eyes lit up, widened, and went to Castle's.

"You didn't tell me that."

"Yeah. I haven't sent anything in, but I opened up a new document for Nikki Heat. She's back to her normal ways. They never left. Picked up where I stopped." Castle said with a smile, "I was going to tell you by leaving a copy of the finished first chapter for you to read, but it's taking longer than I thought. Writer's block. Okay, more like writer's 'wanting to do his character's justice' block."

Kate's eyes stayed on his. She was proud of him and she wanted him to know that. She wanted to tell him all of the cheesy thoughts that were running through her mind about how she knew he would get back into the swing of things. How she wanted to be right next to him when he wrote, reading over his shoulder. But she didn't.

"Good. I'm glad," she responded.

Castle smiled back to her, proud with himself too. It felt good. Kate was back at work. He was back to writing when they got home from work. Everything felt right again.

"If you can excuse me, I'll be right back." Kate said, standing up from the conversation.

Castle's usual look when she left the room appeared on his face, forced out of habit. He stood up with her, concerned.

"I'm okay. Just using the restroom," she reassured him.

He sat back down at the table across from her father who was staring at him.

"Before she comes back, I want to let you know that I am forever in your debt. Thank you for taking care of her," Jim said.

"Oh, sir –"

"Call me Jim."

"Okay – Jim – it was nothing. Honestly, we both feel the same way. I loved – love - being with her, every step of the way."

"She seems strong, but she's just like everyone else. Her façade can't fool everyone."

Castle smiled – not a happy smile, but an agreeable expression. He knew exactly what Jim was talking about.

"She's doing much better. And so am I. I took a hit as well, but we're both doing great."

"And, you know, she does love you."

_And we're just diving right into that._

"She won't make the first move, but I think that it's going to be good for her."  
Castle started to protest –

"Don't say anything. Just accept because I know you feel the same way. I know you're living with her. She's not too good at lying to me. She never was. And I know how hurt you were. I don't think I could do what you did that day. I would have if I needed to, but it would have killed me. My only little girl just lost her little boy - my grandson. And you stepped up and for that, I am thankful."

Castle accepted this. He wasn't too good at taking compliments, but he let this one sink in. "You're welcome."

Castle locked eyes with Kate from across the room as she exited the long hallway leading to the bathroom. Looking around, registering a quick, easy route to get back to the table. She brushed her hair behind her ear as she had a quick exchange of words with a waiter. Her eyes scanned the room until they met his. Her smile brightened her face when she found him.

"And you know, before she comes back, I really mean what I said."

Castle looked back at Jim.

"I think you should do something about it," he said quickly as his daughter sat down across from him, tailing the end of the conversation.

"What are you two talking about."

"You." Castle said.

"Oh God, Dad, really. Don't tell him that story. It was one time. And I waited in line for three hours, not five."

"What?" Castle said suddenly intrigued.

Kate looked confused to her father.

"Katie, I didn't tell him that story."

"What story?"

"Nothing." Kate said as her eyes widened, "absolutely nothing, Castle."

* * *

When they were done eating, Castle reached for the check only to have Jim's hand cover his.

"Don't even think about it. I arranged this. It's on me."

"Sir – Jim – I insist."

Jim proceeded to grab the bill and pay for it.

"Thanks," Kate said.

* * *

"I should be getting home, it's late. Katie, it was great seeing you," he said as he hugged her. When they separated he reached a hand and put it on Castle's shoulder. Nothing more needed to be exchanged besides the smiles on their faces.

"I'll call you later in the week," Kate assured him.

Jim opened the door to the taxi waiting for him.

"Rick, think about what I said."

He shut the door and the taxi pulled away.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Castle said as he put an arm around her shoulder leading her to the steps of the building.

"No, seriously."

"It's nothing, Kate. It's nothing that you don't already know."

"Then tell me."

He teased her with his smile as he pressed the button to the elevator. She smacked his chest trying to get the answer, but he kept his silence, guiding her to the open doors.

* * *

_Okay, if you have not noticed I'm telling you how I feel about certain chapters (kind of my own type of reviewing that you can all see). I didn't feel as great about this one as I have about others (Chapters 5/6), but I need to get to a point in the future that I know will be worth it - just hang on. In the meantime, many of you have expressed great things about this story - on here and on tumblr - I still need a new description. I also was wondering if anyone wanted to make cover art for this story. Some of you are really good at that and I would love to see what you think of this. I know what I am seeing, but what are you guys seeing? I post every chapter update right to my tumblr and I sometimes put some things underneath describing the chapter, etc. My tumblr is in my bio. _

_Thanks, _

_Meg_


	11. Chapter 11

_9 months after_

* * *

"Mother, I am trying. Give me a second."

"Well, if you don't hurry up then were never going to get her a spot."

Castle ran his hand through his hair trying to hold in his frustration. His chest tightened with anger, but it subsided. His mother has been aggravating him all day. Alexis was moving back into her dorm for the second semester of freshman year and they were there for "Family Day." But what the university fails to mention in their flyer for this day is the stress and the panic that returning students' parents have to face. Castle was trying to get Alexis a decent parking spot to bring her car up to campus, but this could only happen if you stood in line for hours. First come, first serve style. But they couldn't find the line, which was about to form within moments. They had been walking around in circles trying to find the room called the "Stop and Shop". Apparently everything could get paid here – your tuition, fees, meal plans – but Alexis never gave him a map or anything. He was in the midst of tall buildings and students with their parents. Castle hadn't been able to reach Alexis on her phone all day; her friends came and got her to go dorm room shopping. He didn't know what she needed that she didn't already have, but he let her go while they took care of the boring things on campus. Like find her damn parking spot.

"Wait, Richard! That's it!"

The heavens opened up above this small building across the street. Relief spread throughout his body, pounds of pressure left his head. Determined, they both crossed the street and ran to get his daughter a spot close to campus and her dorm.

* * *

Kate sat in her living room debating on whether to more the couch to the left and put the television in the corner of the room, or to leave everything the same. Or just buy a whole new set of furniture.

_No. New furniture means money. Money that you don't have. _

She paced her living room a few more times. The itch to redecorate sat inside her for a few weeks now. She wanted to drop thousands of dollars on a whole new apartment. Not a _new _apartment, but new furnishings. Frustrated, she left her living room and went to her bedroom. Castle had left last night to drop off Alexis at college. Family day. She didn't want to crack open that huge discussion so she excused herself by saying she had things to do around here. She sat on her bed and looked around her room for something – anything – to do. She already cleaned this morning. She made an elaborate breakfast for one. The grocery store was calling her name, but the living room distracted her. She missed Castle – even though it had only been less than a day. Her apartment was too quiet. She wasn't sad, or scared to be alone. She didn't know this emotion that was surrounding her. But then it hit her.

Kate Beckett was bored.

* * *

They only waited in line for an hour and a half. That was nothing compared to the night that some people had ahead of them.

_Why wasn't this online like everything else?_

But he didn't care. His daughter had a spot close enough to campus that he felt comfortable leaving her with night classes. He picked out his phone from his pocket and texted Alexis her new parking spot. First semester freshman are not allowed to have them. Second semester freshman aren't suppose to have them either, but when he saw her schedule Castle broke a rule and pulled some strings to get her on the list of students able to park on campus.

* * *

Kate was sitting in the middle of her living room. She felt uneasy, like she needed to move. But when she walked she didn't know where she needed to go. She wanted to get out of this apartment. She also wanted to stay curled up on the couch all day, but she had too much energy. She felt stuck. Bored with her surroundings, her life.

* * *

"Dad, I'll be fine. I promise. Now, please, can we go get dinner? The door is fine."

Castle looked at his daughter's tired and pleading face. He had spent the last hour trying to get the door to close the right away instead of the handle only letting it close halfway. Maintenance would be here in the morning, but this Castle _knew_ he could fix if he could just get the thing to twist right . . .

"Richard, seriously."

_If the doorknob would just turn a little more . . ._

Martha let out a sigh and walked to the opposite wall to lean against. Castle stood up, saw their faces, and gave the persistent women standing behind him exactly what they had been asking for.

"Okay, fine. We can go."

* * *

Kate put on her sneakers and went for a walk. Getting out of the house was something – a change of scenery. Her headphones allowed the world to drown out and her walk became a run. It felt good. The adrenaline pushed through her system as the stress of whatever was going through her escaped. She ran until the park bench in the distance was calling her name begging her to sit down.

_Just for one second. _

She found herself sitting for longer than a second. People watching, enjoying the calm air around her. It was a warmer day in January, something that didn't come around too often. There wasn't much snow this winter so the ground was still bare. Perfect to go for a run. Her eyes were just about to close, let her slip away into her surroundings, when a man sat down at the opposite end of the bench. They exchanged awkward smiles; Kate's head faced her lap and she debated on putting her headphones on again. She should probably start running, get the motivation –

"My name's James."

Kate, startled by the sudden force of a conversation, smiled and looked at the man – James.

"Hi. Kate." She said as she nodded her head slightly, looked back down at her iPod, scrolling through songs as an excuse to remain silent.

"Do you run through here often?"

"Um – not often. Occasionally. When I'm not working."

"What do you do?"

"Uh - I'm in the police force."

"A cop – "

"Detective."

"Oh, alright. Got some power there," he said with laughter behind it.

She gave a third uncomfortable smile. Tried to find an excuse to not talk to this man, but she couldn't.

_Is it too rude to stand and walk away?  
_

"Arrest anyone lately," he said with a laugh.

_Did he really think this was something original . . . _

"I – I uh, I should be going," she said as she stood up, put one earphone in.

"Why leave so soon?"

Kate ignored the comment and started walking in the other direction. Began her route back.

"Hey, I'm talking to you," he said almost as a question. He ran up next to Kate as she tried to ignore him. He was walking sideways now, half jogging next to her, trying to steal her attention.

"I really have to be going. I'm sorry."

"Where are you going? Maybe I could walk you?"

"No, that's okay," she said.

"A walk never hurt anyone."

Kate looked at the man, still next to her. She stopped walking and stood in front of him.

"Um, James – is it? I'm sorry, but I really need to be going. Thank you for the offer, but I can walk by myself. It was nice meeting you." Kate said politely, added a smile.

She continued to walk, desperate to be free of this. It was awkward and it was ruining her serenity. But he continued to walk a few feet behind her. She sped up her pace, thinking that maybe he was just going in the same direction as her. There was a fork in the path up ahead. Maybe he was turning. But, as she verged to her right, he did as well. She could see him in the corner of her eye.

"Excuse me, but do I know you?"

"No, but when I saw you sitting I knew I had to talk to you."

"Um - thank you, but I am going to have to ask you to stop following me."

"Why, do you have like a boyfriend or something."

"Yes – no – um, kind of." She said, confused, but annoyed.

"You don't seem too sure, beautiful woman like yourself ought to know."

"I do, so I'm sorry. But, I need to go now."

"Okay, fine. I'm leaving, sorry to have bothered you," James said, annoyed.

Kate, relieved, checked over her shoulder a couple more times before finally heading back home. Home, to where Castle would be in a few short hours.

_Okay, more like many hours, maybe not even until early morning, but still. What had just happened?_

She usually said she was involved to get men like these off her back, but this time she felt bad for saying no. But she felt guilty for saying yes. But yes was comfortable. But were they in a relationship? She felt embarrassed for asking these questions, but confused for not knowing the answer. They _were _living together. They did spend a lot of time together. But, they weren't dating in the sense that other people _dated_. And what if Castle didn't want to _date. _What if they were just really good friends?

_Why is this even a consideration?_

Kate didn't love him, did she? Well, in that way. She loved him as a friend. She knew that, but as more?

Her walk home was almost finished. She could see her apartment building from the street corner where she waited.

But, when that man had called her beautiful, and started following her. She felt protective of Castle. She felt protective of herself, yes, but she had the sudden urge to defend her nonexistent romantic relationship. One that hadn't even begun, yet.

_Yet?_

_Was there a yet?_

She crossed the street and turned left to her building. The door was open letting the fresh air in for a change. She crossed the lobby and pushed the elevator button twice out of habit.

_Maybe that's what she was missing. _

Kate didn't need to redecorate to fill something in her life. Maybe she just needed to gain the courage to finally just let things happen. The elevator let her off at her floor and she headed for her apartment.

_Would things be different when he got home? _

She entered the too familiar room and sat on the couch just like before. There were thoughts filling her mind and all she wanted was a relaxing walk.

_Maybe she would know? Maybe something would happen and everything would make sense. _

She turned on the television and watched the news. Nothing else was on. An hour passed, she ate dinner. Tried to push all of her thoughts away until she felt her phone buzz from across the couch. Castle's picture came upon the screen and the beginning of his message was below it.

"_Be home soon. Left campus an hour ago."_

Her chest tightened, pushing something – some emotion – from her chest to her fingers, her toes. Her senses heightened, the hair on her arm reacted. She felt excited, impatient, eager for him to walk through that door.

_That felt new. _

Not new, she's always excited to see him, but now she knew why. She realized – it clicked.

* * *

Castle sat in traffic with his mother sleeping to his right. He gripped the wheel and stared tiredly at the car in front of him. All he wanted to do was drop his mother off and drive home. He wanted to see Kate and ask what she had done all day. He wanted to talk to her and hug her and hold her. He wanted to be out of this line of traffic.

* * *

She couldn't sleep. Kate was wide-awake. She was pacing the floor like before, but she wasn't stuck this time. She had work tomorrow, but she didn't care.

_What would she do? He would walk through that door and – _

_- what._

Kate was nervous. She was never nervous.

Finally he was turning onto the corner of his old street – _his_ street. Still his street. He said goodbye to his mother and let her out of the car promising to call her sometime this week. He pulled away from the sidewalk and back onto the road, finally in his home stretch. He reached the building that contained everything that he wanted: sleep, food, Kate. He parked his car, locked it. Left the parking garage and went inside. The man in the lobby let him pass – turning a blind eye to the new living situation. He got inside the elevator and took it up. He was using the last bit of energy he had to get to her door – their door. He turned the key and the familiar smell of home filled his lungs. A comforting atmosphere compared to the stressful day he had. Kate was sitting on the couch but when she saw him she stood up, fast.

"Hey. Why are you up?"

"Oh – I'm – I was – how was your trip?"

"Fine. Stressful. College is stressful."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want anything? To drink. Do you want anything to drink?"

"Kate, are you okay?" Castle said lightly.

"Yeah. Me? I'm fine."

"Okay, you're just acting weird."

"Am I?" she said, putting a hand to the back of her neck.

Castle looked confused.

_Get it together. Nothing happened and you're acting pathetic. _

Kate walked over and sat down on the couch, across from Castle sitting in the chair.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Fine. I went for a run, " She said, taking a deep breath trying to calm herself down. It wasn't like they didn't go through this before. Sitting here, talking about their day. It didn't need to be different.

"Sounds better than mine. You know, I'm proud of Alexis, I am. But I do wish that I didn't have to go through all of this. But, one day is just one day. And if she can be happy for a semester then it's worth it."

"So she's all settled in? Nothing more to do?"

"Yeah."

The sat in silence, but it was awkward this time.

"Castle, I have a question."

"Yeah?"

"Does she know about us? Not – not_ us, _us. But, like what's going on."

_Us?_

"She knows enough."

"Is she okay with it?"

"She's adjusting. She knows enough to have a reason behind everything. She's doing fine, Kate. Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I was just wondering how she's doing. "

Something was different. She was different. She wasn't sad, but she wasn't _Kate. _She was jittery. Like she had too much coffee that was only affecting her nerves. Her hair was tied up in a bun and she was in sweats. She looked like she was comfortable – had a good day, but something was off. He was too tired to dissect it tonight.

"Okay, I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay, night."

Kate watched him walk away wishing that he wasn't. He closed his door, saw the doorknob turn. She could just go turn it the other way, rewind it and do this right. Step into his room and look at his eyes, sink into them and let everything fall into place. Fall into his arms. Let herself –

_Let herself what? What was she trying to do?_

She was nervous for nothing. She needed to pull herself together. She stood up and went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before heading to bed.

Castle opened his door and walked into the living room startling Kate. Her eyes widened, innocence spilled over her face. She wasn't hiding anything.

"Forgot my phone."

Castle turned, headed back to his room.

"Castle!" Kate said, the words taking over her body.

"Yeah?"

She built the sentence in her mouth, prepared herself to change everything, but nothing spilled out. The courage was stuck.

"Ne – never mind. Good night."

* * *

_Stay tuned. _


	12. Chapter 12

_The next day_

* * *

"Beckett" Kate said groggily, shielding her eyes from the slit in the curtain that forced the sunlight into her room.

"Alright, okay. Be there – in 20 – uh, soon. I'll be there soon."

She put the phone down on her nightstand and closed her eyes once more before she found the energy to stand. Finally, her eyes still partially closed, Kate walked across the apartment to Castle's door while trying to make out the images in front of her.

"We've got a case." She said loudly – hoarsely – while pounding twice on the door with her fist. She waited until she heard the faint noise that has become his way of recognizing what she said.

"We have 20 minutes."

* * *

They pulled up to the case twenty minutes later than they said, but it was common now. Esposito and Ryan both understood that when they said twenty minutes they actually meant thirty or forty. Castle realized that Kate's strange behavior disappeared. She was confident, sure of what she was doing. She parked the car, grabbed her coffee and opened the door to her routine. Castle sat behind for a second, lost in thought. She walked with power, heels forcing her hips into a specific walk. She was a different person than she was at home. Not _different, _but rather a different aspect of her shone through when she had a case. She stopped in her tracks and looked back at the car. She gave him a confused look and motioned her hand for him to follow her. He knew she was wondering why he didn't get out with her. Usually he did. Castle exited the car but didn't have a transformation, and caught up to her.

"What do we have?"

"Male, late teens, gunshot to the head," Lanie delivered.

Kate knelt down next to the body under the tarp. He had a gunshot to his head, understandably, nothing out of the usual otherwise. She looked at his chest, his arms. Something to identify him by on his clothes. His shirt was torn in the middle, like he was hooked to something. She put a glove on her right hand, her left hand holding up the tarp. She moved his sleeve up to get a better look at the tattoo on his left forearm.

"Do you know what this means?" she said, pointing to it.

"No, but I have Ryan on it." Lanie said, never looking up from her clipboard.

Kate stood back up and looked at Castle.

"I want to know if that's gang related. Lanie, we'll see you back at the morgue. Let's go, Castle."

Castle followed, like always.

* * *

"Beckett, we have the mother in room one." Ryan said, walking to her desk, papers in hand.

"Okay," she said, standing up to deliver the details, question her.

"Did you let her know?"

"Esposito did a while ago. She was just able to get here. She's alright to question though."

"Alright. Castle, you joining?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you there. I'm going to run to the bathroom."

"Okay, we need to walk in together, so I'll just get my stuff, meet you by the door."

Kate grabbed her notebook, her binder, the pictures from the crime scene. She wasn't going to show her the pictures of her son, not unless she needed to. But she had the surroundings that she wanted to question. And his tattoo. Kate sent Ryan to find out anything from the morgue that Lanie had while she did this. A few moments later she walked to the door outside the investigation room, waited for Castle, and entered the room.

"Hello, Ma'am. I'm so sorry about your loss, and I hate to have to do this, but I am going to need to ask you a few questions," Kate said in a soft voice.

The woman across from her sat up in her chair, stoic and lost in her own world. But she agreed.

"Thank you. Now, did Gregory have any friends that might have done this to him?"

Castle sat through the familiar set of questions that she was running through. Kate was using a different, but common, approach on this woman. She was warm, nice. She didn't need to bring out any toughness to force her to agree.

"Okay, now about your son's tattoo."

"What about it?"

"Does it stand for something?"

"I have no idea," she said softly, never looking at Kate, "why does this matter?"

"I need to know if it has relations, if it's connected to something, a person . . . "

"My son was not in a gang if that's what you're asking," she said, suddenly defensive. "He went to school. He was in the band. He played soccer. He helped around the house. He's not supposed to be dead! He is supposed to be here with me! My son was going to college – " she said, increasingly getting more infuriated.

"I understand, and I know how you must feel –"

"How! How do you know? You deal with this everyday. Death is nothing to you! My son is dead! My _son! _And all you're doing is asking me questions about some tattoo he got over the summer."

"I am doing everything I can. My team is out there right now putting the pieces together. They will have something any minute and I will update you as soon as I can, but right now - " Kate's voice matching the woman's.

"I need you to get out there and find my son's murderer! God, do you have any idea. Are you a mother? Do you have children? This was my son, not some useless person on the street, that was ripped away from me overnight," the woman said, tears forming in her eyes.

Castle sat up in his chair, looking at the woman and back to Kate. She looked strong, fierce. This was her room and she wasn't going to berated.

"Ma'am . . . when you are more . . . equipped to answer my questions, I will be back."

Kate stood up, grabbed her items, and exited the room. Castle followed her, worried. He tailed her back to her desk where she sat and looked through files.

"Kate –"

"Not now, Castle."

She was angry, he could see. But he knew her better than she thought. He knew that she was simply trying to hold herself together until they could leave this place. This was her life away from home and she needed to keep it standing. He sat down in his usual chair and helped her sort through the files pretending not to notice the hand that went to her eye every now and again.

* * *

"Come on, let's go," Kate said as she waved for Castle to follow.

It was the end of the day, finally. It had been the longest day, walking on eggshells around her. Trying to see if she held herself together, but also trying to be supportive, caring. Castle prepared himself. She was going to want to be alone when they got home, but he wasn't going to let her. This time she needed to be with him. He was done dancing around everything. She was being held together loosely and he wasn't going to let her break.

* * *

They reached her apartment and Kate walked quickly into her bedroom.

"Kate,"

"No."

She shut her door, but before it could slam Castle held out his arm.

"Not now, Rick."

"No, Kate. Now."

He wasn't supposed to see this. She hadn't cried in front of him in a while. So when he opened her door Castle saw what happened when she went to bed upset. Tears were streaming down her face. She was trying to hide from him by standing with her back to the door. He came up and put his arm around her waist, forcing her to accept his comfort. A hand came down to touch his wrist.

"Rick, I really – can you just – please," she said with the last breath she could get out.

Castle turned to face her and wrapped his arms around her, felt the heat beneath his hands, her body shaking as she cried.

"I know what you're upset - "

"It's all too much. That woman, work, the anniversary - ,"

Kate was talking fast, getting everything out. Everything that was causing stress, weighing her down.

" – my father, I'm trying to be strong for him, and _us_, you," she said, loosening her grip on his shirt, leaving his arms.

"Us?"

"Never mind - I shouldn't have said anything," Her back was turned to him again, her hands went up to wipe away her tears, "just forget it. I'll be fine tomorrow," she said waving him off.

"No."

"Please, leave."

Castle walked over to her, turned her around until she was facing him again. Her eyes stared into his, tears coming down her face out of her control. Her hair still curled from today. She looked beautifully broken.

"Kate, I've told you this before. You are a mother. It's unconventional, but you are one. He needed you for nine months and you were there."

It was so much more than her deceased son and Castle knew that. He felt it all week. He brought up a hand and wiped away a tear from her face, but he left it there. His fingers brushed against her cheekbone. Her hand came to meet his. She looked into his eyes letting him know that she gave up. She surrendered to her life. She wasn't going to hide it, pretend like it was easier. He leaned in, paused, searching for an answer to continue. Her breath on his, she looked at his lips, waiting for him to come closer, deciding for him. He brushed his lips onto hers, hesitant, letting them barely touch. He didn't want to hurt her more, make things more complicated than they had to be. But she answered for him. Without breaking her locked eyes on his, Kate reached up onto her toes and found his lips. She let her body mold into his as she closed her eyes. Let all the anger, the frustration, the longing come through this one kiss. She realized it's what she had wanted but was too stubborn to take. He broke away, looking at her with concern.

"Castle, I want this. I want you," she reassured him, begging for more.

"Kate, are you sure."

Her eyes answered him. She pushed him back towards the wall, taking over his movement. Her leftover tears were falling onto his face, but she wasn't upset. He pushed her back down to her level, looked at her eyes. Full, tired, excited. They were wide; his thumb next to her left eye as he cradled her head in his hand. He replied by giving her one more powerful kiss, moved down to her neck as her head tilted backward. Castle stumbled over his feet as he walked her backwards towards her bed. She stopped, trying to get a foot on the ground before she tripped and brought them both down. She looked at him as he smiled at her.

"Can't take it back now, huh Castle?" she said before succumbing to force bringing her down to the bed.

* * *

_I can honestly say I've never been more nervous to post a chapter like this. It was hard to find a way to finally get them together without ruining it - I hope - and take everyone's suggestions into consideration. And to answer the same exact question: this is when they are getting together! Finally, right?_


	13. Chapter 13

_One Year After_

* * *

Kate rolled over from the edge of the bed and bumped forcefully into an arm. A bicep. She opened her eyes and rubbed her nose, jostled awake. Propped up with one arm, she looked over Castle's chest to see the alarm clock. Too early, but the sun streamed in regardless. She flopped back down, rested her head on his arm and put her hand on his chest. He stirred, but remained asleep. She wanted this to herself. This moment before the day she had been dreading began. She was a different person than she was a year ago. She had grown; they had grown. She wasn't upset, but she let quiet tears fall down her face.

* * *

Castle woke up to the sniffle next to him and a wet sensation on his arm. He looked over to see Kate's eyes closed, but she was awake. He reached up a hand to brush his fingers through her hair.

"Morning."

Her bold eyes met his and greeted him with a smile.

"Hey," she said, one more sniffle left. She repositioned herself so she was further up towards his face.

They both sat in silence not knowing how to break it. They were comfortable. Today was the day that Castle had been preparing for, but had lost all ways to approach it.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to lay here for the rest of my life." Kate said.

He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head, agreeing.

They fell back asleep.

* * *

Castle moved out from underneath of Kate, letting her sleep. He carefully left the room and quickly put breakfast together to bring back to bed. He didn't want her to wake up before he finished it. He wanted this to be just like she had asked for earlier. When he was finished making pancakes, leaving them on the pan just long enough for them to rise, he put fruit on a tray and two glasses of orange juice. Coffee would come later when the offer of returning to sleep wasn't hanging before them. He quickly, but strategically, carried it into their room and placed it on the nightstand next to the bed. Trying to be quiet, he slid it back a little so it wouldn't fall, but accidentally pushed the picture frame onto the floor.

_Shit. _

He bent down and picked up Aiden's last photograph and moved around the broken glass.

"What happened?" Kate said, sitting up.

"Nothing – just – I knocked over the picture."

She moved a little bit to lean over and see the glass on the floor, but then back up to the breakfast that awaited her.

"It's okay. You know what, leave the glass down there, but bring the picture."

Castle did as he was told, careful to not bring glass with him.

He slid next to her and pulled the covers up to their waists, backs leaning against the headboard. Kate took the sonogram from his hands, tears in her eyes, and rubbed her finger over the top of the image.

"I – I'm not sad. I want you to know that. I'm . . . today is a day that we have to celebrate or remember him. I don't want you to think that I'm crying because I'm upset. It's a different type of upset. I miss him, but it's out of love, happy love." Kate said, trying to put to words why she was crying.

"Kate, I get it. Trust me."

She smiled and leaned into his chest. They picked at their breakfast, never having it leave the nightstand.

"What do you think he'd be like? One year old today."

They leaned further down into their bed, backs slanted against the headboard.

Castle's eyes stared out ahead of him, "Well, I think he'd have your hair. Definitely have your eyes,"

She smiled as he put a hand through her hair, rubbing her ear.

"He'd be wild, rowdy, but smart. He'd get that from you."

"And the wild from _you_."

Castle smiled, and continued.

"He would have said his first words –"

"Dada,"

"_or_ Mama," he answered.

"And he would have wit. Even as a one year old." She continued.

"Yes. Yes he would."

"Do you think he'd be sporty when he grew up? Or like Alexis."

"I think he'd be everything he would want to be."

"Maybe he'd be in the band. Or – maybe – maybe he'd be at the head of his soccer team. Scoring goals –"

" – or saving them."

"He'd grow up, and since he's incredibly smart, he'd go to NYU – "

" – or Harvard."

" – or maybe he'd drop out, be a starving artist."

"Yeah, like you would let him do that."

Kate laughed and let the room absorb their conversation. They went silent, missing him and loving him all at once. Longing to see him once more.

"He'd be perfect."

Castle snuggled Kate closer.

"Yea, he is."

* * *

_The End _

_Many had mentioned interest in a follow up story, a part two-ish. Is that an interest? Keep an eye out for it. _


End file.
